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Alcohol Ink
Contributed by
theurbanpoet
on
Friday, 26th June 2009 @ 05:48:04 AM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
You are the fountain pen and alcohol is my ink,
When the two of you meet the poet in me begins to think,
You leave a mark on the canvas that is my heart,
But you've torn up our love which was one a piece of art,
I can't write with a sober hand because the wound is too deep,
So into a bottle of whisky I shall leap,
And the words will pour like rain on to my window,
This is the only way my heartache can be put on show,
Because my sober eyes can't handle the pain,
So I write this poem with a bottle of rum in tears of rain.
Copyright ©
theurbanpoet
... [
2009-06-26 05:48:04]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Alcohol Ink
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mars on
Friday, 26th June 2009 @ 07:50:09 AM AEST
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a Message)
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It's a good poem, and I really do like the idea, but it feels like it's a bit of a run-on. It seems that you are using too many words to get the idea across.
In addition, the linking words that you use such as, "because," "so," and "and," you may consider removing. While they can be used as tools to alter the flow and perception of the piece, they do not seem to be necessary here.
Lastly, it's your poem, and don't think that I'm trying to change it. Poetry is pure expression, limited only by the number of words you can invent, and the constraints that you choose to place upon yourself. Just because you choose to express yourself in one way, does not mean that it is not just as good as any other great work of art.
Just my personal opinion. |
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Re: Alcohol Ink
(User Rating: 1 )
by Larien on
Friday, 26th June 2009 @ 11:55:31 AM AEST
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| It's hard to understand what the other crutch was... |
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Re: Alcohol Ink
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadwriter on
Friday, 26th June 2009 @ 12:51:54 PM AEST
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I fully understand the basis of this piece. Well expressed. Another avenue needs to be found to release the thoughts though besides the alcohol.
Deadwriter
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Re: Alcohol Ink
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Friday, 26th June 2009 @ 10:13:33 PM AEST
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Very creative writing. Don't change a thing!
I want preach about the alcahol. Just keep writing.
It's not that often I run accross something written as well as this.
My favorit phrase,
You are the fountain pen and alcohol is my ink,
When the two of you meet the poet in me begins to think,
Huggs, blessings, smiles,
emy |
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