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The Day I'll Never Forget

Contributed by Larien on Sunday, 21st June 2009 @ 02:14:35 PM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

I'm not gonna lie
I dreamt of it that night.
With your arms at my side
And that warm feeling between my thighs.

I felt close to you.
A closeness that felt so new.
As if this is the truth
The ways I've been lied to.

And that next day,
I craved you in every way
The moments I watched you sway
With me in your arms to stay.

Yes, I felt lust
That sex, soon was a must.
But I can't do that to trust
When I just burned that girl to dust.

Please say you'll treat me
The way you'd treat a Queen Bee.
She's fragile, put her down gently.
As I would do unto thee.

Copyright © Larien ... [ 2009-06-21 14:14:35]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: The Day I'll Never Forget (User Rating: 1 )
by Mars on Monday, 22nd June 2009 @ 05:54:19 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I know you tried to keep a pattern of rhyme, but it seems forced. Especially 'me' and 'Bee' in the last stanza, but that is not the only place that I feel is being too restricted by the rules that you have set for yourself. I do like the idea and most of the intentions behind it, but the words feel forced and unnatural, but that's just my opinion. I noticed that you capitalized Queen Bee, so I assume that you are referring to the supervillan or the novel.

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