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My LoveShe Hurts Me

Contributed by philiphemsby on Tuesday, 9th June 2009 @ 11:47:03 AM in AEST
Topic: LostLove

I seen the girl
(You know) i seen that girl

Who has my world...
In her mittens

I assume off more than i can chew...
I'v bitten

I bought her a drink, later a kitchen sink
and a home to put it in....
i was smitten,
still am Rodrigo, my tall standing bro...
in arms
(and in your arms I seen her!)

"bucket and throne my man"
your catch phrase
shall ye no longer catch praise

Copyright © philiphemsby ... [ 2009-06-09 11:47:03]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: My LoveShe Hurts Me (User Rating: 1 )
by Inevitable on Tuesday, 9th June 2009 @ 06:11:25 PM AEST
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This poem is confusing
and your grammar leaves something to be desired.
" I seen the girl." makes you seem ignorant
it would be,
I've seen the girl,
I saw the girl,
I have seen the girl,
or I did see the girl,

but no "I seen"
Try to take this comment lightly
and perhaps it'll better you.
Good luck!

Re: My LoveShe Hurts Me (User Rating: 1 )
by Norb-E on Friday, 12th June 2009 @ 12:46:19 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Actually Inevitable, i think this work sounds great. Poetry is a way of expressing one's self, and thus does not necessarily have to be grammatically correct. It emphasizes the author's feelings. Contructive criticism is always good, yes. But next time try to feel what the poem is expressing first. Here the he speaks what i assume is casual talk, expressing a serious turn of events. Great write man. I really enjoyed this. Keep it up.

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