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Always Winter in my Head
Contributed by
anonymous2112
on
Thursday, 30th April 2009 @ 08:07:20 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
Standing on this empty street
Drowning under all the sleet
I feel the cold touch to my veins
Bringing to surface all of the pains
Sinking down beneath the earth
Life delivers what it's worth
In the dead of winter I try to find
A ray of sunshine in my mind
I've never felt so cold and alone
This emptiness has overflown
Nothing remains but sadness and fear
Trying to fight back all of the tears
. . . and yet,
In the midst of my darkest hour
When sweet thoughts I once had have long since turned sour,
You bring to me a sense of hope
That begins to shine through my pain
As spring approaches and the pouring rain
Flower buds begin to bloom
My heart's song sings through the darkness and gloom
Falling fast, time goes past
And I stay on my cloud in the sky
Blissfully unaware of the change that awaits
As spring turns to summer,
My heart and mind are full
Of thoughts of you and me
And I think to my myself
"Maybe he can set me free"
But something feels wrong
No longer is the song
My heart sings completely happy
What was once a peaceful lullaby
Begins to change
Like the setting sun in a clear blue sky
Summer drifts into fall
I feel myself again building this wall
How can I ever let you in
When doing so feels like a sin
I don't deserve your loving arms
Your beautiful eyes, your gifts and charm
The fire that once burned between us
Settles into a glowing cinder
And the cold returns to my heart
As cold does every winter
And so the cycle continues,
Each time leaving a deeper wound in my heart
All I want is for you to love me
Because without you,
My heart will remain frozen in the dead of winter
Just knowing you care
Allows my heart to keep fighting the long, cold winter
Your fleeting smile and kindest touch
Guide me toward the warmth
I long to hold.
Copyright ©
anonymous2112
... [
2009-04-30 20:07:20]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Always Winter in my Head
(User Rating: 1 )
by Chamaron on
Thursday, 30th April 2009 @ 09:44:57 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
After the first three stanzas, your rhyme scheme seems to detract meaning for the sake of rhyme. The rhyming kind of imprisons you in its form, it seems. However, since you break form many times, feel free to do so if it makes your point. The flow is a little disrupted even when it's a stable rhyme scheme, like in the first three stanzas, but some light editing can help.
Really, I think in terms of content, you could stand to lose anything that isn't the first or last three stanzas. The middle, please take no offense, seems to ramble a bit. Really, you have beautiful imagery to offer and I'd hate for form issues and rhyme slavery to overshadow what you have going here.
Anyway, fantastic first attempt. As I said, you have a lot of great imagery here and tons of potential. Excellent job. |
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Re: Always Winter in my Head
(User Rating: 1 )
by meandyou on
Friday, 1st May 2009 @ 01:32:11 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Amazing write!! I reeally love it. . .
Hugs
Daisy |
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