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Zooey
Contributed by
onlyafool
on
Thursday, 23rd April 2009 @ 04:41:36 PM in AEST
Topic:
dedicatedpoems
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Magic Raven hair in the air
You walk but your not really going anywhere
People stop and of course they stare
And I wish I could dare, cause i really do care
But when i see you there, its just so unfair
I get stuck in a haze, like i知 in a cage
Oh But damn you amaze
Its like I'm on stage,its a craze
And I Cant get out of your daze
If I could just show you i知 here
I could just appear
I値l tell myself there nothing to fear, Whisper in your ear
I値l Be with you near.
One day when its me you see
I値l just be happy, and we will be free
Copyright ツゥ
onlyafool
... [
2009-04-23 16:41:36] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Zooey
(User Rating: 1 ) by Stoney1 on
Thursday, 23rd April 2009 @ 07:00:56 PM AEST (User
Info | Send
a Message)
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On first glance, I'd have to say that you're practicing overkill in the rhyming department. You're not only rhyming every final word in each line, but you're also employing an internal rhyme in some lines. Too much!
When selecting a word for your poem, think about using a rapier rather than a broadsword. A rhyming word should not only have the capacity to rhyme, but it should also fit appropriately within the context of the poem.
Try to keep in the back of your mind when writing your poetry, that it is better to infer your meaning rather than state directly. Let your reader parse it out for himself.
Having mentioned these points, let me say that we're all guilty of making them. It's in the re-write where most of these problems tend to get corrected.
I hope this doesn't put you off continuing with your writing. You should keep writing, regardless of whether you're going to concentrate on prose or poetry; don't forget to look back and make corrections after reflecting on your work.
Stoney
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