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Dreams Deceased
Contributed by
ReverendGreen
on
Tuesday, 21st April 2009 @ 08:38:10 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
I dreamt of you last night
Your face so cunning and all notable pores
With such beauty and splendor of a sun setting a thousand shores
I dreamt of you last night
The way a dreamer dreams of the goodness before
In absence of the oppressiveness, in visions of yore
I dreamt of you last night
In realms of immense light
Yet reality corrupts these things I adore
It was a dream of mine and nothing more
Copyright ©
ReverendGreen
... [
2009-04-21 08:38:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Dreams Deceased
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Tuesday, 21st April 2009 @ 02:09:49 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Don't take this the wrong way, but your rhymes seem very forced to me. The second line of the first stanza really stands out to me. The pores bit it'sn't the nicest picture.
The only exception is the last part, which I really rather like.
Good effort, but try not to force out poetry, it'll come naturally.
Phil xxx |
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Re: Dreams Deceased
(User Rating: 1 )
by ReverendGreen on
Tuesday, 21st April 2009 @ 05:22:21 PM AEST
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| thanks, this was actually my first attempt at creative writing, so i'm still working things out. but I thank you for the constructive criticism |
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Re: Dreams Deceased
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Tuesday, 21st April 2009 @ 05:26:23 PM AEST
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Then you're welcome.
It's a heck of a lot better than my first attempt was :D
Good luck, you'll get there |
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Re: Dreams Deceased
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mars on
Tuesday, 21st April 2009 @ 07:25:52 PM AEST
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| I think that it was just fine. I noticed the semi-forced rhyming, but to me it is not too noticeable and does not detract from the overall value of the poem. All in all, a wonderful write. |
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