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Something For You
Contributed by
dhart420
on
Monday, 20th April 2009 @ 08:19:15 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I have something for you
But it is not free
For this you must earn
But it will bring you much glee.
It is not material
It is far better indeed.
It will help out on those lonley nights
Vivid thoughts of you and me
With this I give you in trust
You must take great care
It can be broken beyond repair
This that I give you
It is my love.
If you don't want it
Let me know
So that back in my heart
Is where it will go
Tucked away for a rainy day
Waiting to be wanted
Copyright ©
dhart420
... [
2009-04-20 20:19:15]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Something For You
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Monday, 20th April 2009 @ 08:59:19 PM AEST
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I think I'll start out by suggesting that you avoid simple rhymes. It tends to hinder more than help, clogging up the piece. If you are set on the rhymes that you've given, you might want to try for a more complex sentence structure.
Remember, what you're trying to achieve is flow, and rhymes tend to disrupt flow. Rhymes should only be used when it is a natural part of the poem.
As Milton said, rhymes are for those who don't have anything better to say.
However, I am biased, being completely against rhymes. Someone else will eventually give you a different type of advice, and then it's up to you how to move forward |
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Re: Something For You
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Tuesday, 21st April 2009 @ 06:46:36 AM AEST
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Time for a contrary opinion!
Rhyming is what I think of as a trap for inexperienced poets eager to enter into the realm of words. When used well, and there are endless examples of this, it gives strength to cadence and can organize the stanzas in the reader's head.
However, like iodine was talking about, you first concern is always rhythm, then rhyme. Even if you want both, rhythm outweighs any rhyme. Of course, diction outweighs rhythm but the big mistake lots of people make (and experienced readers will always notice this) is to try to write a line to fit the rhyme they've come up with.
Read it by ear; listen to the way it sounds, and you'll notice that the lines don't really match up. The rhythm you have right now needs some attention, because it really jars the reader from line to line as they try to listen for some rhythm. Another thing to avoid is moving your words around in the line to make the rhyme work out. This was a practice favored by many great poets, but after the appearance of free verse it mostly looks like you didn't know how to get the words to rhyme. If you're trying to sound archaic through that, that's fine. But you need to be consistent in tone, or it will simply look out of place.
Love is a very normal and great thing to write about. Sadly, the enormity of poetry that has been written, and published, even, means that it's a really hard subject to write something special in.
I'm not going to go and analyze each line for you; I don't think you'll get much out of it because there isn't much confusing that seems intentional.
Sincerely,
Eternity's Lyre |
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Re: Something For You
(User Rating: 1 )
by razorbladekisses on
Sunday, 26th April 2009 @ 12:50:35 PM AEST
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This, my friend, is good. :)
It's simple, yet I can find deep meaning in it.
I liked this part best. "If you don't want it
Let me know
So that back in my heart
Is where it will go" |
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Re: Something For You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Elipsis on
Wednesday, 20th May 2009 @ 03:34:48 AM AEST
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| I must admit, I too write mostly by ryhming... not by choice, I might add... I prefer to write according to my emotions and thoughts and since I can remember, they tend to end of rhyming... and I've read many poems where the writter chooses to rhyme... I like this poem you have written. It has a few lines that appear to be pushed slightly, but none the less, the message is clear - you have expressed your emotions toward this love clearly. Well written. |
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