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If I Had Only Seen You
Contributed by
wood
on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 05:31:26 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I feel your presence every second of my life
Yearning to use my (thank-God given) senses on you
To caress your sweet curves
In times when you are in need and when you are just craving
To catch , if only a second of your natural essence
it embraces me and brings a rainbow of life to my day
To savor the tingle of your lips and mine
Giving you the affection you want, need , deserve, and shall recieve
To bask in the tropic song of your voice
As if an angel, I am healed by the sound of you
and finally..... To see your face would give me hope
If only i had ever seen you ...........I would have hope
~Freshmen 012
Copyright ©
wood
... [
2009-04-15 17:31:26]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: If I Had Only Seen You
(User Rating: 1 )
by elle on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 08:35:00 PM AEST
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| a siren song for your soul mate. . . nice job. peace. elle |
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Re: If I Had Only Seen You
(User Rating: 1 )
by razorbladekisses on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 08:57:43 PM AEST
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Awh; I believe I get where you're coming from..
:s
Good poem. :) |
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Re: If I Had Only Seen You
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 09:48:22 PM AEST
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My thoughts by lines:
2: I love the way you combined "thank God" and "God given" into a single phrase, that was actually quite brilliant. If nothing else, that phrase is a keeper.
3-5: Just a tiny bit of alliteration in line 3 that is complimented at the end of line 4, I liked that, and then again at the beginning of line 5.
8: Lots of "long e's" here with nEEd, dEserve, and rEciEve. That sounded nice.
10: As if an angel is a little cliche and over the top, imo.
11-12: I quite like the ending, especially the repetition of "hope".
And it wasn't choppy, either!
The only thing I would say is that, for as well as you used the words themselves, the actual "theme" wasn't very memorable.
It was a good refreshing poem, probably one I would read again, or at least want to read more from the author. Very nice. |
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Re: If I Had Only Seen You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 06:42:03 AM AEST
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this is great writing. some unique phrasing and a nice structure worked together to create something excellent.
best wishes,
Phil |
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Re: If I Had Only Seen You
(User Rating: 1 )
by MoonlightKiss on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 11:31:09 AM AEST
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| omg i loved this. slightly short but it's great. |
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Re: If I Had Only Seen You
(User Rating: 1 )
by amber_vonHorror on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 06:37:18 PM AEST
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there was such eloquence in this, and it created quite emotion evoking wording
good job |
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Re: If I Had Only Seen You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 13th October 2009 @ 09:18:06 PM AEST
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Except for a minor typo, I really like this one a lot. It's beautifully done, sensual and yearning. I like that in poems.
I think you already know how I feel about the "i" & "I".
It flowed fairly well, too. I think it might have flowed a tad better if you had not put the (thank-God given) like that in parenthesis and just put God given senses on you. I think the reader is smart enough that if you mention God in that type of context, they're already aware you are thankful. But hey, what do I know. I think there are times when we (the readers) don't know diddly because if the poet were to read it aloud for us, then it just may make perfect sense. I just sort of stumbled a little there but then it could be me.
I think if it were structured slightly different it may have flowed more smoothly, but again, what do I know. I am definitely not an expert.
I say keep up the good work. You'll only get better.
You really need to read my PM though, about self promotion. It does not go over well here.
Take care and keep at it!!!!!
Tim
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Re: If I Had Only Seen You
(User Rating: 1 )
by MorguesMatter on
Saturday, 31st October 2009 @ 02:51:58 PM AEST
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| Words from your heart, to the page always convey well, I could feel your soul smilling tenderly.The poem was very soothing-Morgues |
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