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Lost In Your Love
Contributed by
MoonlightKiss
on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 11:19:57 AM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
To swim in your ocean, under the skies
Green, like the color, of your eyes
Safe in your arms, that warm and protect
This relationship is difficult, to perfect
But I'm holdin' on; I'll never let go
No matter how we change; how much we grow
I will lie here, safe in your heart
While all around us, the world falls apart
To bathe in your sea, under the stars
The cool, wet blanket, heals all my scars
I once thought I was, alone in this cold
But now we're okay, 'cause you've got me to hold
And you can hold me, as long as you want
I won't listen to any, insult or taunt
This feeling's intense; so happy I'm lost
Lost in your love, paying for the cost.
To swim in your ocean, to bathe in your sea
There's nowhere else I, would rather be
Then here in your arms; I'm dripping wet
Together we'll sit, and watch the sun set
And I'll fall asleep, soundly in your embrace
Lost in your love, in my dreams, in your grace.
Copyright ©
MoonlightKiss
... [
2009-04-15 11:19:57]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Lost In Your Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 03:42:55 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
Line:
4: Feels forced, like you're just trying to keep the rhyme scheme.
10: This also feels forced, and kind of difficult to understand. How does a blanket heal scars? I feel like I'm missing something.
14: Feels forced.
16: Feels forced.
20: Feels forced.
22: This line is exceptionally good.
I think overall you have a PERFECT grasp of imagery, emotion, all around good "theme", but it's not quite pulled together in a way that does it justice and makes it "pleasant" for the reader. I would have loved to see this after it's been edited a few more times, I think there is a lot of potential in this. The imagery is memorable, for sure. Hope to read more from you soon. |
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Re: Lost In Your Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 06:53:06 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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i think it flowed well, was intense and incredibly passionate. a quality write, with a spellbinding final line.
-Phil |
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Re: Lost In Your Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by manbeast on
Friday, 17th April 2009 @ 11:16:10 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
interesting piece
needs some work but definitely shows your potential as a poet
write on! |
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