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Waiting For Daylight
Contributed by
manbeast
on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 10:58:37 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
Thoughts of sorrow fill my head
I sit awake each night.
My gaze falls on an empty bed
I'm waiting for daylight.
The pain my loss empowers
has stolen sleep away,
and minutes morphing into hours
will turn the night to day.
I sit here in the darkness
where tears and sighs abide,
no more to taste her tender kiss
or hold her by my side.
Where have my tomorrows gone,
love's taken them away,
and I'm alone to watch the dawn
and dream of yesterday.
Copyright ©
manbeast
... [
2009-04-15 10:58:37]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 03:13:35 PM AEST
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Beautiful in its sadness...I love it!
Welcome to YPDC...
Jenni |
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 03:26:34 PM AEST
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Ok, this is a classic example of what I have been saying in so many comments: Rhymes work only if there is a good rhythm. You have kept a perfect flow of syllables in each stanza (7, 6, 8, 6), and kept the whole thing from feeling choppy.
The other big problem with rhyming is that often things are thrown in which don't really belong, simply to keep the scheme, which you also avoided quite nicely.
In other words, nicely done. |
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenith66 on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 08:34:57 AM AEST
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I agree completely with what was said below, I know the challenge of keeping a rhyme scheme and it was done perfectly here and really flowed nicely. I commend your efforts. It is a harder process then people thing. I also really liked the poem itself, there was a deep longing that i picked up easily and it wasn't forced on me, I liked that. The final stanza in particular was lovely.
keep up the good work!! |
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by MoonlightKiss on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 02:51:06 PM AEST
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| dude awesome |
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by blissful-ignorance on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 06:38:59 PM AEST
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that is absolutely beautiful. and saddening.
you write very beautifullly. |
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 18th April 2009 @ 02:24:00 AM AEST
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A very nicely written poem in which I can also relate. I remember many a night lying awake thinking of her
Thank you for sharing this one and for an enjoyable read.
Take care,
Tim |
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by freckle on
Saturday, 18th April 2009 @ 10:31:39 PM AEST
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A truely amazing poem. Great imagery. I love the last two lines. Simply beautiful!
Thank you so very much for sharing!!!
Carol |
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Wednesday, 22nd April 2009 @ 07:17:11 PM AEST
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Bitter-sweet you captured here.
I sit here in the darkness
where tears and sighs abide,
that is so heart hitting and poetic, brushed in blue.
Lovely work
Michelle |
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Re: Waiting For Daylight
(User Rating: 1 )
by manbeast on
Wednesday, 22nd April 2009 @ 09:50:18 PM AEST
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Thanks for the comments, and I'd like to ask a favor if I may.
First, I'd like to mention that the first word of the poem should be thoughts, not thought. I've tried to have it corrected but I guess the "edit" feature here takes some time.
My question is this: I originally had the poem addressed to a particular person, but changed it. The third stanza did read "no more to taste your tender kiss, nor hold you by my side." The fourth was "where have my tomorrows gone, you've taken them away," My question is was it better the original way, or is it more powerful as posted? Thanks. |
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