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Favoured Child
Contributed by
mooshken26
on
Monday, 13th April 2009 @ 01:34:38 PM in AEST
Topic:
FamilyPoems
|
Favoured Child – 13/04/09
He is the one
All good and golden
He is never wrong
The favourite of the two
I stand in the shadow
Watching and waiting
And wondering
When will I be noticed?
He is the good one
Unsullied and unsinned
My demise was his ascension
He can do no wrong
Her eyes are only for him
When she looks at me
She doesn’t see
Her eyes full of hate
The judgement and regret
And disappointment of
Having me,
The words now spoken
when All she needs is him.
Copyright ©
mooshken26
... [
2009-04-13 13:34:38]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Favoured Child
(User Rating: 1 )
by PreciousKitten on
Monday, 13th April 2009 @ 02:26:47 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| This poem is similar to my Golden Child poem on here. this is way more detailed in though. you should checked it. i liked it though. |
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Re: Favoured Child
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Monday, 13th April 2009 @ 02:42:56 PM AEST
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I liked the subtle alliteration in the lines:
good and golden
stand in the shadow
watching and wating and wondering when wil
unsullied and unsinned
Not sure if the rhyme at the beginning of the last stanze (me/see) was intentional, but rhyming short words like that often feels "sing songy", in my opinion.
Excellent concept as far as the "theme", I think you should prune it and work with it a little, it could turn into something really usable with a little more work.
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Re: Favoured Child
(User Rating: 1 )
by MorguesMatter on
Monday, 26th October 2009 @ 01:06:59 PM AEST
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| Every one's an expert it seems. I appreciated the raw emotion depicted here. I felt the slap in the face as she was burdened by the second childs presence right before she spat in his face...-Morgues |
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