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Footsteps in the sand
Contributed by
crmnlilbruno
on
Sunday, 12th April 2009 @ 11:33:23 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Down the beach in front of me are footsteps in the sand
Fresh barefoot imprints starting were I stand
So I walk beside them, to find out were they lead
Step by step, side by side at a slow but steady speed
I follow them towards the water and along the Ocean shore
Behind me what was two feet are now turned to four
The footsteps lead me to a long patch of green
Flowing into the Ocean a fresh water stream
In the middle of the grass layed a large solid Rock
A good place to rest from the long curious walk
Sitting down next to it leaning back my head
Grass so thick it reminded me of laying in my bed
Sitting on the ground, laying in the grass
An empty bottle of wine and a broken champagne glass
Looking around grass and up into the sky
Something on the shore seems to catch my eye
Heading to the shore to check on what I see
I get a look of what couldn't possibly be
Face down in the water layed a man about my size
Wearing what I'm wearing I can't believe my eyes
Everything about him looks like me from this side
The body now turned over from the strong ocean tide
This man isn't just a man, but instead this man is me
And I now remember walking deep into the sea
My mind goes blank as I try to pull myself on land
Down the beach in front of me are footsteps in the sand
Aaron D. Carman
Copyright ©
crmnlilbruno
... [
2009-04-12 23:33:23]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Footsteps in the sand
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Monday, 13th April 2009 @ 01:34:16 PM AEST
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This is very interesting....quite surreal ...and you took me along on that walk with you.. This was a pure joy to read. Thank you..
Jenni |
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Re: Footsteps in the sand
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 14th April 2009 @ 07:24:44 AM AEST
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Your poem builds anticipation and plunges us into the depths of despair. Wow!
Just a little work on the wording could give it more tension and a better flow. |
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Re: Footsteps in the sand
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 12:32:49 AM AEST
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So, yeah, what Jenni said... quite surreal. So if I am understanding correctly, is he dead? That's what I got out of it.
I know this.... I love the story line...the content.
As for feeback? I would have to get back to you on that one. I found myself thinking "oh I might word that like this instead of that" but it's not my poem... it's your poem, your work.
I think it flowed along pretty good. Again, the content behind it, awesome. I love that and it kind of made me think about writing something like this.
I think if someone suggests working on the wording, that they should suggest "how".
More adverbs, adjectives, transitive verbs? what? I saw where I would have used very as a word but that's me.
Obviously you spell check... I am big on that but I will also tolerate it if there is obviously much more, like being deep, profound, and emotive.
So... perhaps, don't change a thing because you're rolling along just fine in my opinion.
Just make it your poetry and not what you think someone else should think it should be like.
Take care,
Tim |
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Re: Footsteps in the sand
(User Rating: 1 )
by thewizard on
Monday, 27th April 2009 @ 10:37:29 AM AEST
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| I really liked this poem, it leads one to think of what the end holds before you get to the end. It would be interesting to know what inspired you to write this |
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