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The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
Contributed by
3660days
on
Wednesday, 8th April 2009 @ 05:56:45 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
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The prairies lead the way to Cripple Creek,
where we had planned to go when we were young,
in search of softer melodies, unsung,
Echoing in the shadow of Pike's Peak.
The children sing the songs of Cripple Creek,
where gentle Francis feeds his birds of glass,
and fragile violets grow midst moss and grass,
that town of ancient mystery and mystique!
I planned the course, and you picked out the inn,
and spoke of leaving when we were full grown -
-but strangely, I'm now traveling all alone,
a single teardrop tracing down my cheek,
without you at my side, now to begin
a quest for words we did not dare to speak.
It sounded so much better in my head. :-P Once again, I promise two comments in return for your one. Make an investment, and make it honest! Brutally honest! Painfully honest! Thank you!
Copyright ©
3660days
... [
2009-04-08 17:56:45]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
(User Rating: 1 )
by crmnlilbruno on
Wednesday, 8th April 2009 @ 06:16:41 PM AEST
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| I think you did a good job, what I got out of it is, two young kids planning somthing when they get older, for I have done the same thing when I was a kid, and I also went on this trip alone for the woman or girl I planned it with is no longer around me. Or two young kids who think they are in love and think that they will be together forever and yet time has changed everything as it always does.. Anyway Good job.. I injoyed it. Dont know about being brutal but I guess if I though it was bad I could of been so it is a good thing I'm not 8) |
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Re: The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
(User Rating: 1 )
by Loende on
Wednesday, 8th April 2009 @ 06:29:44 PM AEST
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Investment not withstanding...
I was born in the prairies, though north of The Peak, so I have a fondness for this kind of thing, this kind of nostalgic presentation that could been seen as a long lost memory of the past or one just a little more recent. Either way, it's a delightful reminiscence of a road that you wanted to travel with someone...the plans once firm, now lost. I really liked the tone of it, even though it left me aching. Nice job and thank you for sharing it with us all.
Be well,
~Loende |
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Re: The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Wednesday, 8th April 2009 @ 07:22:38 PM AEST
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Well written poem on hopes and dreams.
Nice images and vivid descriptions pulled me right in.
I also felt hope and some sadness within this verse.
Nicely done.
Michelle |
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Re: The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
(User Rating: 1 )
by The_Phantom on
Wednesday, 8th April 2009 @ 09:35:37 PM AEST
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I was stationed At Ft. Carson in 99 through 2002, Pike's Peak is so breathe taking, this poem is sad but yet the thoughts of childhood dreams also brings a smile to my face, thank you for the memories.
The Phantom |
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Re: The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Wednesday, 8th April 2009 @ 10:10:13 PM AEST
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Very interesting write.
good work.
Huggs, blessings,
emy |
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Re: The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Thursday, 9th April 2009 @ 12:14:08 AM AEST
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This is a wistful poem with a few good lines and interesting images.
I like the first two lines, they're honest and simple. The third line begins to show signs of poetic struggle, which usually produces poetic license, which tends to be an excuse for breaking rules.
In search of softer melodies unsung (I'd take the comma out) it's not clear at all to me where the meaning of music comes into this poem, especially of the softer melodies unsung are the songs of Cripple Creek sang by the children. If that line, and specifically "unsung" are not essential, I would personally pick a line like "in search of sweeter air to fill our lungs" or something. There are a few -ung rhymes to think about.
Your fourth line jumps completed off the rhythm. I can't figure out why you did that, but it got my attention and didn't justify itself to me so unless you want the jar the reader it might be better to fix the line to fit the rhythm you've followed so nicely elsewhere.
In the second stanza, again the first two lines are quite good: I was really interested in "gentle Francis feeds his birds of glass." And children singing is always a nice image. Fragile violets sounds nice too, but midst moss and grass has too many long syllables and ends up dragging itself along instead of the graceful lilt you probably intended. "The town of ancient mystery and mystique" feels like overkill to me. If you were talking about Rome or something I would possibly agree with you but when you use the word "ancient" if it's not 1000 years older or more I'm inclined to wonder how sincere you are.
The last two stanzas are nice, and a little sad, which is the right way to end the poem. Were and full fight for the stress, so I might suggest "and spoke of leaving someday when we'd grown" or some line which would avoid putting were next to full.
"I'm now" is a little awkward; I'm more used to hearing "now I'm" which I think would work better. "A single teardrop tracing down my cheek" is a bit too dramatic for my liking. Tracing is also a weird verb to use for the dripping, rolling, racing actions that tears tend to do on cheeks. "Without you at my side, now to begin" is a good setup for the finish, but "now to begin" is a mouthful and you could probably benefit from repeating the subject of the sentence here, making it "I now begin."
"A quest for words we did not dare to speak."
It's not clear where you were going with this line. Why would you and your friends be on a quest for words you didn't dare to speak? I haven't come across too many words I daren't say, and I don't feel like Cripple Creek would be the place you quested for "I love you" or "Voldermort."
I actually like this poem, it has rhythm and a pretty clear message told in an unassuming style. But I'm not sure what you're trying to say, so if there's some message you want to get across I would suggest putting it in somehow, and clearing up the parts I said were confusing me in a way that would add to that message.
Sincerely,
Eternity's Lyre
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Re: The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jer_Bear on
Thursday, 9th April 2009 @ 02:01:51 AM AEST
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| I believe that you were very descriptive in your writing. I felt like I was watching the moment. Very beautiful writing. And I've made it easy for you, because I only have 2 poems :p |
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Re: The Prairies Point The Way To Cripple Creek
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Thursday, 9th April 2009 @ 03:35:01 PM AEST
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Oh, and I am SO sorry I forgot the footnote for line number 6. It is a reference to the stained glass window in the Cripple Creek Last Dollar Inn, former home of poet Ms. Linda Goodman, as can be seen here:
http://consciousevolution.com/Astrology/grfx/lgcarrave_francis.jpg
disclaimer: I in no way endorse the occult or ms. goodman's ideas. But it is a very nice window, don't you think? |
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