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can you feel?
Contributed by
SamJoelle
on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 12:59:39 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
I get the rhythm in my bones,
traveling through my veins to tell the story,
Telling the story of life and its friends.
Through every ounce of me, I feel an energy,
radiating towards everything I touch, and I love.
I can’t hold it in; it’s the feeling of laughter the feeling of freedom
The breeze against your shoulders, and your feet dug in the dirt
Obstacles trying to hold you back, but you know were you’re at.
Floating in your bubble, can you feel it?
Can you feel life tugging at your heels?
Copyright ©
SamJoelle
... [
2009-03-31 00:59:39]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: can you feel?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 07:04:43 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Needs proofreading. There are several missed full stops and the like, which stands out when the rest of it is grammatically correct.
"... to tell the story, | Telling the story ..." sounds awkward. Life tugging at your heels seems at odds with the imagery of your feet dug in the dirt.
Technicalities aside, there's some good imagery in there and I'll admit the poem did get a smile out of me. :) |
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Re: can you feel?
(User Rating: 1 )
by elle on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 07:39:13 AM AEST
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| I'm feeling ya. . . nice. . . short & sweet. peace. elle |
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