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Rainbow's Eye
Contributed by
countrydoc1015
on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 12:15:17 AM in AEST
Topic:
NaturePoetry
|
Once I gazed into a rainbow's eye
Sparkling spectrums of beauty, adorning a sky
Sheathed in pastels of love, and ravishing flow
Delivering a promise, God wanted me to know
Apocalypse of dispersed colours, from indigo to blue
Yellow-green tails of a comet, amongst pinkish hues
Glazing red-orange mists, across endless seas of white
Eccentric bands of vioet-green, almost defying light
Gothic vales of ascension, dazzling the evening sky
Only dusk having the audacity, telling her to lie
As the evening soon passes, I linger and yearn
Again to be in her eye, for this moment's return
Copyright ©
countrydoc1015
... [
2009-03-31 00:15:17]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Rainbow's Eye
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 07:17:25 AM AEST
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Try saying "Apocalypse of dispersed colours" out loud. It's kind of a mouthful, messes up the flow of that stanza. Not to mention the term lends to thinking of, well, the Earth's destruction rather than a peaceful rainbow or sunset. (Unless the point is God destroying the world, and I'm missing it.)
Comparatively, I really liked the "dusk having the audacity" line, and the last stanza as a whole flowed well and sounded great. The rhyming was also very natural and well done. |
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Re: Rainbow's Eye
(User Rating: 1 )
by venkat on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 07:53:01 AM AEST
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I don't mind the usage of the word "apocalypse".
I feel that it doesn't mean any destruction here.
you have captured the dazzling beauty of the rainbow with all its colours.
Excellent poem.
venkat |
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Re: Rainbow's Eye
(User Rating: 1 )
by elle on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 07:58:56 AM AEST
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apocalypse=revelation. as to CAs' comment, at times a simple placement strategy will do,
such as"apocalypse of colours, dispersed, from indigo to blue'. I love the poem & find it
a pleasant calming read. . . peace. elle |
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Re: Rainbow's Eye
(User Rating: 1 )
by elle on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 08:03:36 AM AEST
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apocalypse=revelation. as to CAs' comment, at times a simple placement strategy will do,
such as"apocalypse of colours, dispersed, from indigo to blue'. I love the poem & find it
a pleasant, calming read. . . peace. elle |
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Re: Rainbow's Eye
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mars on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 02:53:53 PM AEST
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There is something about the word "apocalypse" that resists the flow, in my opinion. I do like it though, and to me its use neither adds to nor detracts form the value of the poem. It is your poem anyway, but I suppose it's just some constructive criticism. Be careful when taking such advice, it can do things to your poetry.
Wonderful imagery! =)
My 2cents =P. |
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Re: Rainbow's Eye
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 05:54:36 PM AEST
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I believe using the word "apocalypse" was absolutely fine. (Look at the discussion
your poetic creation has mused! ^_^ ) To me, it speaks more of promise; a triumph;
good over evil and all that. The way you've used it seems to suggest an explosion
of colour, spreading in all directions and in all hues. It sounds amazing! The whole
piece, in fact is bursting with imagery! Makes for a lovely read.
~ Breezy
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