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Comet
Contributed by
jessb3
on
Wednesday, 18th March 2009 @ 04:26:30 AM in AEST
Topic:
LoveRemembered
|
I was sitting out in the dark alone
When you, a comet in the night sky
A brilliant flash of light
Came crashing towards me, illuminating my world
In utter breathlessness
I kept my eyes on you
Refusing to let you out of my sight
I followed until my time was over
And you disappeared into the horizon
My world was once again black
But your light left a lasting impression
A trail of stardust remains where you once were
And each glimmer is a memory in my mind
Smiling to myself, I resume my stargazing
Holding tight to the hope
That one day I will see you again
Copyright ©
jessb3
... [
2009-03-18 04:26:30]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Comet
(User Rating: 1 )
by leopardpie on
Wednesday, 18th March 2009 @ 10:17:30 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| good work |
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Re: Comet
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Wednesday, 18th March 2009 @ 11:31:54 AM AEST
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Beautifully written. Love the metaphor...
Jenni |
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Re: Comet
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 18th March 2009 @ 02:10:32 PM AEST
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lovely poem, with an uplifting ending.
-phil |
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Re: Comet
(User Rating: 1 )
by high_on_duct_tape on
Wednesday, 18th March 2009 @ 11:59:26 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Nice idea, nice metaphor.
It is a bit blunt (maybe write it in third person? Avoid the "you"s? Alternatively, slip in the "you"s as the poem progresses?). Also, the ending is rather cliche. You could say more than you do.
Solomon |
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