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and my jester did he dance?

Contributed by lostrelic on Thursday, 12th February 2009 @ 04:04:09 PM in AEST
Topic: oops

waken oh sleeper inside
rise to your spot blinded by the sun
vision has been fazed unfocused and gone numb
the day starts tomorrow the future has begone

Follow oh the whispers of the night
stepping in shadows casted by fate
the ledge is far the will is to fight
nothing casted in stone no answers drawn in slate

Wonders have tarnished no dreams of anything new
the past has become us the end has yet to be hung
some stare in visions but nothing is true
the notes have been played the cry is almost done

following bottom feeders for the quest for the gold
staining the ground the blood has gone cold
foreseeing questions that will one day arise
a global conflict could bring to us our demise

time is short we have hung most of the meek
looking for answers we follow the weak
guided by knowledge while the unguided rule
everyone following but no ones the fool

Copyright © lostrelic ... [ 2009-02-12 16:04:09]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: and my jester did he dance? (User Rating: 1 )
by Live2Die on Friday, 13th February 2009 @ 02:20:45 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Your poetry has wonderful potential. I enjoyed your attention to detail and your metaphors. However, commas would do a lot for you--occsionally I was confused as to where the break in the line was supposed to go.

Also, "casted" is not a word, it's just "cast".

Regardless, I really love the line "nothing cast in stone no answers drawn in slate."

keep writing!

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