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Only A Tool
Contributed by
Mars
on
Saturday, 13th December 2008 @ 04:19:22 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
-
Scream, fool, scream.
No one can save you.
You are mine to control.
No one can hear you.
Run, fool, run.
There's no where you can hide.
I will hunt you down.
My forces shall never subside.
You. will. die.
You can not possibly survive.
I will find you.
I'll have you dead or alive.
Do. I. bother.
To say this to you?
That's because there is no hope.
There is nothing left for you.
No. hope. left.
You are such a fool.
You have nothing that I need.
To me, you're only a tool.
Copyright ©
Mars
... [
2008-12-13 16:19:22]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Only A Tool
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Saturday, 13th December 2008 @ 04:47:28 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Is the comma use intentional? It works for "run, fool, run", and, "scream, fool, scream", but it's a little bit awkward in other places.
For instance, "No, hope, left" Perhaps you were going for a pause between each word.
A comma is for a very brief pause, the semicolon (on a very basic level) a longer pause, and a period is a stop (obviously).
What I'm assuming you were trying do is this:
No. Hope. Left.
See, the comma is too brief of a pause to work, but the period makes the reader clear to the intention of the tone.
I suppose you could use ellipses; however, ellipses are usually used to denote a break in thought or speech due to hesitation or confusion.
If the commas were intentional, disregard the above.
Keep Writing.
Always, Abraham |
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Re: Only A Tool
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Saturday, 13th December 2008 @ 05:39:51 PM AEST
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Never be bothered about what you write, it is yours.
I liked this. Good work.
Michelle |
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Re: Only A Tool
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 14th December 2008 @ 12:01:55 AM AEST
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| i can understand were IL is coming from in his comment. i dont like the commas and prefer ellipses, hyphens, and periods myself...but i also think that the commas you used give your poem some structure. in poetry, theres always the debate of structure vs not structured...punctuation vs emotion. grammar vs rawness. so depending on what youre going for, the commas either work for it or against it. i do think this poem could work very well for a metal song though. |
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Re: Only A Tool
(User Rating: 1 )
by spooky on
Sunday, 14th December 2008 @ 08:55:48 AM AEST
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diffrent but with imagination,,good write
a friend in words,,spooky |
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Re: Only A Tool
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 14th December 2008 @ 06:41:54 PM AEST
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very dark, but very good. the flow was perfect and the content was powerful.
-phil |
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Re: Only A Tool
(User Rating: 1 )
by TechnoNinja on
Monday, 22nd December 2008 @ 05:17:23 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Very powerful.
Keep it up
-TechnoNinja |
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