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Locked Up
Contributed by
cbeltric
on
Saturday, 13th December 2008 @ 08:24:25 AM in AEST
Topic:
AmericanTragedy
|
I sat there and watched her life fall apart but she was the only woman there. The house was burning down right before her but in her eyes there wasn’t a sign of fear. Instead she sat without emotion looking blankly in the air, she knew her fate was a life of hate but she seemed like she didn’t care. With open arms she welcomed harm in the shape of lies and lines, then one by one she began to Sercombe but didn’t take the time to realize, that although this man seemed like the one, he’d soon come to be despised.
Still nothing stopped this house they built from burning to the ground; she thought she gained a perfect home, instead a house of pain she found. The foundation was first to crumble, that first stare, first touch, first kiss, then slowly but surely the rest followed in the form of cuts on her wrists.
Oblivious?, no, he knew exactly what he was doing every night when he walked out the door, these feelings of shame he pushed away and simply choose to ignore. He still remembers that first night when he said he’ll give her all she wanted and more, ironically he took everything she had and left her good as poor.
And now she can’t leave this house they built because its way too late,
These walls and halls are all she knows and now all that holds them up is hate. Still I sit there telling her to leave, but she tells me there no escape, “I gave him everything I had, and now without him, I’m incomplete”. Eyes once so beautiful and brown and now envies turned them green, envy for all those happy homes and places shed rather be.
All the while, her tears fall down, the man she calls hers isn’t, he’s in the arms of another women, while she stays locked in a mental prison. He has the key, he could let her free, but instead he decides to hold on, His only worry is that she’ll find someone better, but anyone else wouldn’t treat her so wrong.
Another girl, another night in another day of this man’s life, before he goes he gives a kiss to a women he barely knows, while the women whose heart he has in his hands patiently waits at home. He gets in his car and then drives off leaving his sins and crimes behind, but deep inside he knows he’ll carry them for the rest of his life.
He speeds down a familiar road he’s traveled so many times before, he tells himself, “This is the last time, I’m not going to do this anymore” but before he could finish that thought that night, 2 bright lights appeared, followed by a monstrous roar on that street was the last thing he would ever see or hear.
After all the pain he caused, to die so quickly was almost unfair, He robbed her of everything she had and after simply disappeared.
Now their home is sad and lonely, lonelier then before. She’s still there and so is the hate, “I can’t leave, it’s too late”, she cries while she lay’s on the floor. What’s worst is that she’s right, she cant, she’ll never break free,
for when her husband died he didn’t just take a part of her, he also took the key.
Copyright ©
cbeltric
... [
2008-12-13 08:24:25]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Locked Up
(User Rating: 1 )
by snoopington on
Saturday, 13th December 2008 @ 12:05:07 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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very well written ,
very dark i taught i really liked it great flow to it.
all the best........
m............ |
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Re: Locked Up
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 14th December 2008 @ 12:16:47 AM AEST
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a Message)
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i agree with snoop, great flow...since i have an incredibly hard time with rhythm...i really appreciate it. on to other news, punctuation! for the most part, i think you did a good job in that aspect. for a hardhitting poem, such as this, punctuation can really emphasize the hardhitting lines and the emotion. for instance, your lines can be changed to "Obvious? No. He knew...", "and now without him....I'm incomplete", "Two bright lights appeared- followed by a monstrous...", "for when her husband died, he didn't just take a part of her- he also took the key". another aspect that can add to the hardhitting impact of lines and emotions is structuring the poem into verses. if structured a certain way, you can add pauses effectively and set an important line by itself or at the end of the verse to close it out effectively.
"Now their home is sad and lonely-
lonelier then before.
She’s still there and so is the hate,
“I can’t leave, it’s too late”, she cries
while she lay’s on the floor.
What’s worst is that she’s right- she cant, she’ll never break free,
for when her husband died,
he didn’t just take a part of her-
he also took the key."
but the punctuation things i mentioned are just suggestions if youre ever looking to go in other directions than the one youre currently going in. i myself have tried several styles, and it helped me discover what type of poetry style i like to write best in. keep up the great work in any case though. i loved the ending and the story to this (and of course the flow =]).
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