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The Parking Lot
Contributed by
ramfire
on
Friday, 17th October 2008 @ 02:02:06 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
You see that building over there?
The one on the corner.
It’s the telephone company and she’s
a long distance operator on the third floor.
I’ve parked my car across the street.
It’s in a Sears and Roebuck parking lot.
I’m waiting for her to get off work.
I’m a little early so I’m going inside the store.
There’s a back entrance.
It’s where I enter from the lot.
I can look out the back door and see the building.
She’ll be coming down the steps soon.
There’s a book section where I stand.
I can keep my eye on the building while I read.
I musn’t t miss her
I can't smoke in here.
I need to go outside.The air is cool against my face.
Why am I so anxious?
My watch say it's time for her to come out.
Copyright ©
ramfire
... [
2008-10-17 14:02:06]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Parking Lot
(User Rating: 1 )
by outlawpoet on
Friday, 17th October 2008 @ 02:33:47 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| good write kind of creepy but sometimes life is creepy and that dont make it bad please return the favor and check out my first poem |
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Re: The Parking Lot
(User Rating: 1 )
by high_on_duct_tape on
Saturday, 18th October 2008 @ 12:01:30 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
I appreciate what you are trying to do here. It's an interesting perspective on life, and the basic form of conveying it works.
There were, however, some problems with it. The flow was generally fairly choppy. Especially because it is being told from the point of view of someone so in control, it should be much more carefully edited. The last line in particular needs some work. I would recommend separating it from the stanza it's in and adding an s to "say". If it were edited, I think it would work quite well. |
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