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In the night
Contributed by
audaudaud
on
Saturday, 27th September 2008 @ 08:09:49 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
As i lie in bed, with tears flowing down the the sides of my face,
My unmoving body reflects not the war raging within,
And as i desperately hope, that i fall asleep soon, or forever,
Who, i wonder, can feel, the heaviness of the teardrop, now hanging from my right ear lobe, sympathetically.
Copyright ©
audaudaud
... [
2008-09-27 20:09:49]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: In the night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Brasco on
Sunday, 28th September 2008 @ 12:37:07 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| I thought this was a great start, it definitely conveys your emotions well, but I would like to see more. Keep writing. |
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Re: In the night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ambivalence on
Sunday, 28th September 2008 @ 09:15:48 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I can imagine vividly this sad scene. indeed, i wish too i can sleep forever and never wake up... Like Braco said, great start, but i think u needed to add a lil bit more at the end to wrap it up. but keep writing, u hav that great potential as a poet. take care
-K.Z. |
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Re: In the night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Loende on
Sunday, 28th September 2008 @ 03:51:21 PM AEST
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a Message)
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You paint a very vivid and familiar picture, but it's not a complete story. I think that you should see if there's more to add, either before or after this to bring it full circle. Nice start though. Well done.
Be well,
Loende |
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Re: In the night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 29th September 2008 @ 02:47:02 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I agree with Brasco's positivity. I think you conveyed your emotions well. You also used wonderful wording. This is a good start. The problem is the formatting. You should have broken your lines more. It's a small thing, but important for a reader who is used to reading poem formatting.
Yet to me I say break the rules all the live long day, that in itself is poetry. Still in the case of such a short work perhaps proper formatting was necessary.
BRAVO!
SCM |
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