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As Sandcastles Crumble
Contributed by
brasco
on
Wednesday, 24th September 2008 @ 03:08:09 PM in AEST
Topic:
abstract
|
As winds blow
And leaves scatter
As cracks show
And unions shatter
As fires rage
And trees fall
As pawns stage
And heroes stall
As mud slides
And homes give way
As truth hides
And pseudonyms stay
As hope dies
And brave men stumble
As tides rise
And sandcastles crumble
Copyright ©
brasco
... [
2008-09-24 15:08:09]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: As Sandcastles Crumble
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 25th September 2008 @ 09:19:03 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Potentially brilliant! Potentially magnificent! The idea I think which is here is marvelous and your simple structure is genius within the work here, making something seemingly simple magnificent!
I do want to state there is a small problem with this work. No to degrade you or insult you but only to perhaps help you understand the mind of the reader. There is no mention of what is going on "as". "as" comes typically in the language like this.
I was smoking a cigarette
as the world turned
as my heart yearned
as my love lay dying.
or it is used...
as the world turned
as my heart yearned
as my love lay dying
the world continued on.
Here you just have a bunch of "as" and no starting point or no conclusion to all of this "as". While I am sure this was intentional, for a reader it gives no message.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I enjoyed the poem.
BRAVO!
SCM |
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Re: As Sandcastles Crumble
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eternal_Dreamer on
Thursday, 25th September 2008 @ 04:55:44 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I have read and reread this and
I have got to hand it to you. It's
absolutely amazing. A brilliant piece
of poetry. Well done dear poet.
Keep up the fantastic work.
hugs,
dreamer |
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