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broken
Contributed by
xx-smdunca-xx
on
Monday, 21st July 2008 @ 06:01:06 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Nobody knows
My deepest secret -
Nearly every smile is fake
Nobody knows
My eyes tear up
My voice is about to break
Nobody understands
How I feel
For none have felt my anguish
I pass through my life
Watching from the outside
There always is that need for escape
I am broken
But only on the inside
All the little pieces of my former self
Whisper about in my head,
Like crisp fall leaves scuttling in the breeze
I am broken,
Damaged goods
For now I realize it was never a secret
Everybody knew all along
~stephanie duncan
Copyright ©
xx-smdunca-xx
... [
2008-07-21 18:01:06]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: broken
(User Rating: 1 )
by ingeniusidiot on
Tuesday, 22nd July 2008 @ 01:37:08 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Interesting piece. It is no where near as bad as you thought it was. But I can realate to what you have written here. Believe it or not you did a pretty good job...the more you write though the you will get....keep up the good work.
Rich |
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Re: broken
(User Rating: 1 )
by AnenaLynne on
Tuesday, 22nd July 2008 @ 03:06:50 AM AEST
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a Message)
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nobodys stuff ever sucks (ok some peoples do) but this definatly doesnt! it flowed well and i can relate to the feelings. good job
~nena |
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Re: broken
(User Rating: 1 )
by wheels on
Tuesday, 22nd July 2008 @ 06:51:42 AM AEST
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a Message)
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How could I not read this with an intro like that.
You show real talent - It has wmderful flow and meter. I think it is an excllent poem with good imagery. You must keep writing trust me on this - you do show a glimpse of talent that can become somthing truly magnficent.
I loved the whole poem, but if you will alow just one positive critisism - the very last line does not quite fit the flow of wording that the rest of the poem holds so well. It is a bit truncated - it needs a slighlty different wording or a final line to complete the flow so that it rolls gently off the mind. I have an idea for you in this but dont want to sound arrogant so you can message me if you want. This is just my opinion so please do not think me too forward or conceited.
Sincerely,
--Kevin
The lonely vagabond |
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