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Too Soon...
Contributed by
Thirten
on
Saturday, 5th July 2008 @ 11:09:44 AM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Skeleton face with the crippled hands
Deathly place, with eternal plans
Black striped suit for my funeral
Requiem sung during my mural
Why must I be so sincerely contrite?
Stuck in this life, while everyone is so right?
Stoic outward shell, viewing in kind.
Morals that once fell, tugging at my mind.
Insanity that left me sane
Madness that never came.
Leaving me waiting, always pacing.
Trying to rid myself of this flawed casing.
Death bed fears, emotions are scarred.
Mind finally clears, vision still marred.
As nothing seems to make any sense.
Death bed tears, as my memory clears.
Screams that no one hears. I don't belong Here!
It dawns on me, this isn't my bed!
Not my home, not my clothes.
Not my tomb, why is this lid closed?
It's not my time to die...
Copyright ©
Thirten
... [
2008-07-05 11:09:44]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Too Soon...
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 5th July 2008 @ 02:00:14 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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As we sit at our desks in our robes we put on our youthful death masks. Then we stare at each other simultaneously, and then we begin typing. But before we type the first word, we stare at each other one more time and then we simultaneously say, "typing?" And then we simultaneously say, "Yes, typing." And then we begin typing. We enjoyed thoroughly the concept. Indeed some die too soon. At least, in the human mind, some die too soon. But we, as Ghost Alarms, believe we all have our separate time of dying. And as timely as Death is, we believe that the soul lives on. And in many ways, what we grieve is the loss of the body. The soul lives on inside of us.
Poetically speaking, nothing is more dark, beautiful, deep, emotional and inspirational as death and loss. Here, you attempt to capture it well, and in many spots there is a brilliance, however your rhyming attempts really, really lost us. Some poets feel there is a need to rhyme in everything they write. They fail to realize that rhyming alone, can often lose the heart of the poem itself. Don't take this the wrong way; please don't take this harshly. We believe your poem has much potential, but loses that potential because you felt the need to force a rhyme. Sometimes a poem lives and dies by it's rhyme and sometimes if a poet would simply read over his work, they would realize that the poem's message is lost because of the rhyming. We do applaud your effort and we applaud your concept and we do think that you were on to something here. And if we felt as readers, that this flowed out of you, we would applaud the piece completely. But we believe that you spent too much time trying to come up with a rhyme and less time on completing your thought, thus making this whole poem seem very forced. Let your pen flow the way your soul flows. Worry less about presentation and you will become the poet that is inside of you.
May you awake in the morning inside a coffin shouting "don't bury me, I'm not dead!"
~The Ghost Alarms |
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Re: Too Soon...
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 6th July 2008 @ 06:40:21 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| i like the lines "Insanity that left me sane Madness that never came." well written |
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