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Please Don't Leave

Contributed by Bubbles02 on Tuesday, 3rd June 2008 @ 04:22:48 AM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

I think about you, day and night.
And after what you did, it isn’t right.
You’re like a drug to me;
All I ever seem to see…
Is you.
Oh, how I wish that weren’t true.
How I wish I could just forget about you.
But I’m not sure that will ever happen.
Without you, my heart is cold and barren.
You leave, I die.
Break my heart again and I’ll do much more than cry.
So please don’t make me suffer through that pain again.
I couldn’t handle it then,
And I’m not sure I could now.
I’m not asking you to make a vow;
But just to stay with me.
Don’t leave because I need you badly.
Please don’t leave.
Help me believe
That there is more to this life than just pain.

Copyright Â© Bubbles02 ... [ 2008-06-03 04:22:48]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Please Don't Leave (User Rating: 1 )
by Lady_Daisy on Tuesday, 3rd June 2008 @ 06:00:51 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I felt something more could have come out of this poem, just a few examples. The first line bored me to pieces! Why? You used a cliché, now in my experiences in writing clichés are bad so try to avoid them, the cliché you used is "day and night" this shows the reader that you are unimaginative (which I don't think you are!). You also could have elaborated more on a few things. A couple of examples "I'll do much more than cry" What? What will you do? Slice of his hooharrs perhaps? (I know you can't use that here!!). You mention pain a couple times, perhaps you can describe it some more? Also it was kind of unclear what this person has done to you to have these mixed feelings.

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