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I don't want to loose you
Contributed by
juliestevens18
on
Sunday, 11th May 2008 @ 02:45:18 PM in AEST
Topic:
abstract
|
You tell me it was easier when you were putting pain on your skin
You tell me that love was easier, when everyone just left you alone
And I tell you that I cant’ stop thinking about the pain
The self-inflicted bubble that surrounded my room
I want to tell you everything, which I told you miraculously in the beginning
Until you told me that what we had in the past, well, it’s the past
And I silently cried
I break free for a moment as the scribbling increases and I stand wanting
What do I want?
Is it the pain? No, no more pain for me, I have outgrown it like keds
Is it the wanting? No, I am happy not wanting or needing anything today
I am in the shower trying to scrub away this new found change, I dislike wanting
Yet I need to figure this out
Shaving, putting the razor to the skin, soap, squeeze, and then I notice a spot of blood
Mistake of course, but I feel something that I have never felt before
Relief
What do I want?
I want the blood
I am naked in my private corridor
Wondering if Rachel will ever call me
I am fat, I say
I am worthless
The red says, “You haven’t been doing work all week, you are pathetic.”
And I say ok
The red says, “Your body is a canvas, paint, show them what you’ve got.”
So I take out a marker
And begin to draw
Only one aspect of my life tells me to do it
He calls me and tells me to pick up the scissors and make a long line
Because there is really nothing else you can control
And things have been out of control in your mind for so long
I try so hard to physically move the thought
I want it to go away
But my knees are buckling and I am going down
Thinking about that test in math
Trying so hard to not think of the bubble
Wanting my wrists to just scream and let out the anger
But I cannot find an outlit so I write
I put the pen to the page
“I need you.”
She said
With her mouth open wide
Wanting me to put my lips to her lips
This is the wanting I like
She lay down in her bed and I sit and watch
I know what I am going to do, but am too afraid to admit it
She is ready, and I am ready
Sp I walk out of the door just to make her want and need
We are pressing lips together
We are putting our hands together
We are touching our life together
And I feel as though the sky is painting something just for us
I pull away, afraid to react to what I just did
Felt as forbidden as putting the knife to the wrist
So I walk out of the door, again
Our butterflies, we kept them hidden until we let them out in the bathroom
I touched that bathroom, girl, and suddenly it was over
My head didn’t rush, my eyes stayed level, I didn’t faint or crash
I just
Looked
And I didn’t even think of you
It’s been exactly one year since we did this
And I would be lying to you if I said I don’t think about it when I have pain in my heart
But once and for all I would like to tell you
That I loved you with a passion
I was completely, utterly, incapably in love with you
But the train has stopped
And I have to climb aboard
I don’t want to ever loose you
But I have lost you so many times
All I can say is that when the rubber-band doesn’t work
And the room gets smaller
I find you in the smallest rhymes
The tiniest letters
It’s okay young girl
You are saved
As for me?
I must be heading down into the cellar
Pick up a new knife
Find my way to the bathroom
Put the metal to the skin
Fantasy
Yet reality is creeping in
I must say goodbye before I completely collapse
Forgive me
I am not strong
But I am getting there
I am getting there
Copyright ©
juliestevens18
... [
2008-05-11 14:45:18]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I don't want to loose you
(User Rating: 1 )
by safetyinnumbers on
Sunday, 11th May 2008 @ 11:59:00 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Strong and passionate poem. Good work. |
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