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Shallow vice of vanity
Contributed by
rhei76
on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 02:04:34 PM in AEST
Topic:
DreamsandWishes
|
Oh, it comes as, ah, old surprise
The way the TV light glows
all the manicans ah, so
And I think to myself
I'm such a **** up individsual
########
When to the right, just might be right
and to the left, well, I'm sure one is left
The one on the right is just like...
well she loves kurt cobain
all the incoherent psycho babble
that flows from my lungs to air
She supports my 15 years of cultural fragments
that I have made look like some kind of art
She likes the imperfections
That I love in my words and guitar,
my sculpting and and where my pencil flows.
The one on the left is ah...
Act your age, and the look in her eyes is
I will never be older than 12.
She cute and I think subconsouisly
Maybe I do believe
what the media has been selling me
Even with my love of raw flaws
and crazy adaptations of beauty in frailty
how hard I try to stay away from the norm
I see I'm a simpleton
Shallow, vice of vanity
I know the one on the left will leave
ah, the sweet purity of insecurity
maybe I want her so she can leave
hell maybe it will be my insecurity
that hopes and seethes
##########
I don't know what I know
I say a buck twenty, blonde hair, blue eyes
not much, but i tell you i know she can ride
I don't know what I know
I say I had more girl friends like her than not
and not much was left
For the price of a pretty manican
I tear out my heart and bleed my guts
I drive myself mad...end
and do it again.
I don't like what I know
the one on the right wouldn't stray day or night
and in her words she would sculpt my craft
I know for the price of the musician
I would gladly have fun
tear out my eyes and burn my hair
drive myself crazy
and do it again and agian and again
on stage, behind the line
every ******* day and every ******* night
###########
But I'm a fool
Clutch the eyes of society
and try to hold the one that hurts
while the other one hurts
by the choices she watched me make
I'm leaving the right one out
Ah......the old surprise is no surprise at all
this shallow vice of vanity
shows and shows me my imperfections
and God****** my insecurities
###########
What's wrong with me?
Have I watched to much TV?
Will I survive me?
Better yet, will she?
Copyright ©
rhei76
... [
2008-04-25 14:04:34]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Shallow vice of vanity
(User Rating: 1 )
by ferasdour on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 02:33:01 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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interesting...
i like, i do i do.
forgive me however for thinking too much on the likeness of which the narator's train of thought resigns within the truth of which society so tries to inforce on every last one of us.
^_^
;_;
^_^ |
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Re: Shallow vice of vanity
(User Rating: 1 )
by a7x36 on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 05:04:23 PM AEST
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a Message)
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i also like it. it seemed like you were fighting the whole time u wrote this, and i really liked the ideas portrayed.
I think you'd enjoy the band Black Flag, if u don't already. just a thought |
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Re: Shallow vice of vanity
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 06:46:47 PM AEST
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this was a really interesting premise and there were things i really liked about it. however i do have a lot of criticisms. the biggest piece of advice to you is to focus on your topic and your ideas and don't stray off of them. you would be going along talking about one thing then you would throw random things in that i felt didnt make a lot of sense. you are also much too wordy you can say the same thing with far less words, trim the fat so to speak. i will give you some thoughts
Oh, it comes as, ah, old surprise
The way the TV light glows
all the manicans ah, so (this entire first part is completely unnecessary and to be blunt makes absolutely no sense, "all the mannequins ah, so" what is that??? it would be better to start out the poem with the next line and drop those altogether.)
And I think to myself (drop the "and"
I'm such a **** up individsual (individual)
########
When to the right, just might be right
and to the left, well, I'm sure one is left (this part is worded awkwardly try to flesh out these lines more by talking about the right and left as being the two halves of her personality)
The one on the right is just like...
well she loves kurt cobain (i would drop the "is just like....well she" part so it just reads "the one on the right loves kurt cobain and all the incoherent psycho babble that flows from my lungs")
all the incoherent psycho babble
that flows from my lungs to air
She supports my 15 years of cultural fragments (supports is kind of a weird word to use in this context, could you say something like "she adores" or something?)
that I have made look like some kind of art
She likes the imperfections (i would cut out "that i love" so it just reads "she likes the imperfections in my words in my guitar, in my sculpting, and the places where my pencil flows)
That I love in my words and guitar,
my sculpting and and where my pencil flows.
The one on the left is ah... (i would cut out "ah"
Act your age, and the look in her eyes is
I will never be older than 12.
She cute and I think subconsouisly
Maybe I do believe
what the media has been selling me
Even with my love of raw flaws
and crazy adaptations of beauty in frailty
how hard I try to stay away from the norm
I see I'm a simpleton
Shallow, vice of vanity
I know the one on the left will leave
ah, the sweet purity of insecurity
maybe I want her so she can leave
hell maybe it will be my insecurity
that hopes and seethes
##########
I don't know what I know
I say a buck twenty, blonde hair, blue eyes
not much, but i tell you i know she can ride
I don't know what I know
I say I had more girl friends like her than not
and not much was left
For the price of a pretty manican
I tear out my heart and bleed my guts
I drive myself mad...end
and do it again.
I don't like what I know
the one on the right wouldn't stray day or night
and in her words she would sculpt my craft
I know for the price of the musician
I would gladly have fun
tear out my eyes and burn my hair
drive myself crazy
and do it again and agian and again
on stage, behind the line
every ******* day and every ******* night
###########
But I'm a fool
Clutch the eyes of society
and try to hold the one that hurts
while the other one hurts
by the choices she watched me make
I'm leaving the right one out
Ah......the old surprise is no surprise at all
this shallow vice of vanity
shows and shows me my imperfections
and God****** my insecurities
###########
What's wrong with me?
Have I watched to much TV?
Will I survive me?
Better yet, will she?
maybe it would just be easier to show one way you could cut it down a little bit. this is just an idea of how to simplify
My two halves love to contradict themselves
The one on the right loves kurt cobain,
and all the incoherent psycho babble
that flows from my lungs to the air.
She adores my 15 years of cultural fragments
that I have fashioned into art.
She likes the imperfections in my words, in my guitar, in my sculpting, and in the places my pencil flows.
The one on the left never acts her age.
She will never mature beyond 12.
Shes cute and wholeheartedly believes
everything the media has been selling her
Both halves of me love raw flaws, and
try hard to stay away from the norm.
Put together I am a simpleton,
Shallow, vice of vanity
I always worry the girl on the left will leave, I don't know maybe I even want her too.
Such is the sweet purity of insecurity, we can play the victim while we fume and seethe.
I know one thing for sure,
the one on the right would never stray from me.
Day or night she'd be there sculpting my craft
But together my two halves equal a fool.
Ashamed, I try to cover the eyes of society while I figure out the one thats hurting me.
Too often it's my left half that hurts me
by the choices she watched me make.
Too often I leave the right one out.
How bitterly ironic that I should reject the right one,such is this shallow vice of vanity.
The right one that shows me my imperfections and God****** my insecurities.
How could I do that to her?
Will I survive me?
Better yet, will she?
i hope this helps, its the same poem but with all the filler taken out and tightened up a bit. i am not trying to rewrite your stuff its just an example of one way you might choose to rework this because it needs more work. cheers! jantra |
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Re: Shallow vice of vanity
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 06:52:10 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
ok im not sure if they posted the whole text of this because it was a bit long if not i will just put it again. so this is the continuation of my last post........
maybe it would just be easier to show one way you could cut it down a little bit. this is just an idea of how to simplify
My two halves love to contradict themselves
The one on the right loves kurt cobain,
and all the incoherent psycho babble
that flows from my lungs to the air.
She adores my 15 years of cultural fragments
that I have fashioned into art.
She likes the imperfections in my words, in my guitar, in my sculpting, and in the places my pencil flows.
The one on the left never acts her age.
She will never mature beyond 12.
Shes cute and wholeheartedly believes
everything the media has been selling her
Both halves of me love raw flaws, and
try hard to stay away from the norm.
Put together I am a simpleton,
Shallow, vice of vanity
I always worry the girl on the left will leave, I don't know maybe I even want her too.
Such is the sweet purity of insecurity, we can play the victim while we fume and seethe.
I know one thing for sure,
the one on the right would never stray from me.
Day or night she'd be there sculpting my craft
But together my two halves equal a fool.
Ashamed, I try to cover the eyes of society while I figure out the one thats hurting me.
Too often it's my left half that hurts me
by the choices she watched me make.
Too often I leave the right one out.
How bitterly ironic that I should reject the right one,such is this shallow vice of vanity.
The right one that shows me my imperfections and God****** my insecurities.
How could I do that to her?
Will I survive me?
Better yet, will she?
i hope this helps, its the same poem but with all the filler taken out and tightened up a bit. i am not trying to rewrite your stuff its just an example of one way you might choose to rework this because it needs more work. cheers! jantra |
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