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Me and You
Contributed by
juliestevens18
on
Thursday, 24th April 2008 @ 01:22:47 PM in AEST
Topic:
selfstruggles
|
I was eager to become part of your body
I wanted to linger on your scent because
It was just so beautiful
Remember the sunny days, except the unbelievable storm
That hit when you entered the archways?
Your obsessions leaked through the doors of the dining hall
The black swept into my soul without asking
It just charged in, with no pre-entrance
And you held out your hand because you had to
Didn’t have to look at your wrists, they screamed “hurt me”
So we took a walk hand in hand
Skipping through the rules
Knocking down the pain
Switching up the death
And we talked and walked until you became
Me
And I became you
We got so mixed up in this crazy game
Had to switch back so we swapped secrets
My blood shed unto you and you
Your sweat poured onto me
And leaving was the hardest part
So I took a part of me and gave it to you
Had to
Needed to
Couldn’t let the black win
Had to see the red one more time
Copyright ©
juliestevens18
... [
2008-04-24 13:22:47]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Me and You
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Thursday, 24th April 2008 @ 06:12:12 PM AEST
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a Message)
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this is better julie! really! you are simplifying your wording which i love love love :) and you are writing clearer and sharper then in previous efforts! and best of all no forced rhymes! yay! I will give you some thoughts below.
I was eager to become part of your body
I wanted to linger on your scent because
It was just so beautiful (because is unneccessary here)
Remember the sunny days, except the unbelievable storm (should be question mark after storm and begin the next sentence with "all except that one...)
That hit when you entered the archways?
Your obsessions leaked through the doors of the dining hall (should be a stanza break with this line. the sentence should be "it caused your obsessions to leak through the dining hall and swept black into my soul without asking.")
The black swept into my soul without asking
It just charged in, with no pre-entrance (this line is unneccessary and doesnt make all that much sense)
And you held out your hand because you had to (cut out "and" and maybe flesh this out more....why did she have to hold out her hand? to help you?)
Didn’t have to look at your wrists, they screamed “hurt me” (great line!)
So we took a walk hand in hand
Skipping through the rules
Knocking down the pain
Switching up the death (this line again is unneccessary and doesnt make all that much sense)
And we talked and walked until you became
Me (cut out "and")
And I became you
We got so mixed up in this crazy game (should be a stanza break with this line)
Had to switch back so we swapped secrets (this line doesnt make that much sense it should be cut out altogether or fleshed out a little more)
My blood shed unto you and you
Your sweat poured onto me
And leaving was the hardest part (cut out "and" why do you keep starting sentences with and?)
So I took a part of me and gave it to you
Had to (this would read more naturally as "I had to, needed to, take a part of me and give it to you)
Needed to
Couldn’t let the black win
Had to see the red one more time (im not crazy about this ending i liked that you mentioned the black again but i felt like mentioning the "unbelievable storm" again would tie it all together better)
overall great job julie!
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Re: Me and You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lenny_Gazbowski on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 10:33:24 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I enjoyed this poem - thanks!
Lenny |
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