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death of a good mood
Contributed by
rhei76
on
Thursday, 24th April 2008 @ 03:25:13 AM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
|
You make me sick
Physically ill
To think you believe you are perfect
and you are right
you are a victim everynight
Tells my subconscience
if I could kill
without the guilt of sin
the world would be a safer place
You mentally drain happiness from my face
just you being around me
makes me want to drive nails into my scars
so I can sleep in heavenly space
where your voice could not penetrate
It's funny
I say
they say
the doc said
My mom said
I got problems
But babe who doesn't
My only question is
why you got to make everything an issue
Your guy, he loves you
why you're such a ***** is beyound me
Your kids they love you
Why you're such a ***** is beyound me
As for me I hate you
you drive fingernails across black boards
with a hallowing banshee echo
I try to stay away but this is where I live to
And you act like I'm someone
who you tell shut up
to lay down my guitar
to pay attention to what the **** you are doing
I don't know you
you make me sick
physically ill
I don't know you
you're nothing
nothing to me
so don't you act like I'm some one
I'm no one to you
I'm not the little dog trying to help the beached whale
and if you want me to say it out loud
well, go to hell
Copyright ©
rhei76
... [
2008-04-24 03:25:13]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: death of a good mood
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Thursday, 24th April 2008 @ 05:43:43 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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this had an interesting mood and tone to it but unfortunately there were parts where I was completely lost. i will try to break it down for you.
A dedication to some one who is never wrong
You make me sick
Physically ill (first of all this desperately needs punctuation. and im not convinced this is a good place for a stanza break)
To think you believe you are perfect
and you are right ( i felt like in this context it could have used an "always perfect" always right" and I wasn't crazy about it starting out "to think....." it reads awkwardly)
you are a victim everynight (in this context it should be "you play the victim every night"
Tells my subconscience
if I could kill (this first line is unnecessary and doesn't make that much sense. should begin if I could kill you....")
without the guilt of sin
the world would be a safer place
You mentally drain happiness from my face (this first part doesnt make that much sense, how could he "mentally drain" happiness from your face?" should just be "happiness is drained from my face")
just you being around me
makes me want to drive nails into my scars (this sentence fragment reads awkwardly it would be better to say "You make me want to drive..."
so I can sleep in heavenly space (should be "a heavenly space")
where your voice could not penetrate (again this is a weird place for a line break)
It's funny (i say and they say is unneccessary and reads awkwardly)
I say
they say
the doc said
My mom said
I got problems
But babe who doesn't (this line should be part of the last stanza)
My only question is
why you got to make everything an issue
Your guy, he loves you
why you're such a ***** is beyound me
Your kids they love you
Why you're such a ***** is beyound me
As for me I hate you
you drive fingernails across black boards
with a hallowing banshee echo
I try to stay away but this is where I live to
And you act like I'm someone
who you tell shut up
to lay down my guitar
to pay attention to what the **** you are doing
I don't know you
you make me sick
physically ill
I don't know you
you're nothing
nothing to me
so don't you act like I'm some one
I'm no one to you
I'm not the little dog trying to help the beached whale
and if you want me to say it out loud
well, go to hell
sorry i got tired of going through it line by line but i think you get my point. there needs to be better punctuation, better structured stanzas, and flesh out the half formed sentences that this is riddled with. it needs quite a bit of work. don't give up on this piece though i think it has good potential. |
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Re: death of a good mood
(User Rating: 1 )
by a7x36 on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 12:52:25 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| instead of analyzing it to death and completely killing it like the last guy, i'm just gonna say that i liked it cuz it showed some well-directed teen angst in use. |
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Re: death of a good mood
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lenny_Gazbowski on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 09:53:00 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
| a truly wonderful journey, so thank you for providing the vehicle! Your poem reminded me of someone I knew, WOW, I'm free of them now! This may sound strange but I can see Suicidal Tendencies singing these words! Rock on !!! |
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Re: death of a good mood
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Friday, 25th April 2008 @ 06:59:35 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| in response to a7x36 i could have just written "great write!" like 90% of people seem to do and expect in this site but how exactly would that help her improve? she is posting her poems to a public forum where constructive criticism (constructive being the key word) should be expected and welcomed. it may seem harsh but that was not my intention, i was trying to help her improve because we all have room for improvement and god knows i am no exception. but if she chooses to ignore my comments then thats up to her but by no means should constructive criticism ever be characterized as "killing" a poem. |
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