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Reflection
Contributed by
BirdUnableTofFy
on
Saturday, 19th April 2008 @ 03:38:55 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
I have known her all my life and time
We were together in all our prime
But something happened and we got separated
Suddenly two souls, but only one made it
Now - Again, she is staring at me
The girl I see
But she is locked in chains
Blood is dripping from her veins
She seems lost and afraid
Where is the joy that she had made?
She used to be the happy one
But the happiness is now all gone
She screams to me – she want to be free!
I desperately tell her to follow the light
But she looks at me, says that only darkness is in sight
Shadows surrounds her in her sleep,
She wakes, trying her breath to upkeep
I look at her, wonder what went wrong?
My lively best friend is now all gone?
I made her turn this way, sad and hopeless, just like me
And now she can’t get free
She is caught there inside, looking out
She long ago stopped to scream and shout
‘cause she has been there, locked up, for so long
She forgot how to sing her happy song
Her mind has turned black
Now, both me and her is like a hopeless wrack
I want to take one last look at the fragile soul
Which is now slowly disappearing into a deep black whole
Her eyes catches mine and I realize and see
That the girl is just another part of me!
Copyright ©
BirdUnableTofFy
... [
2008-04-19 03:38:55]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Reflection
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 19th April 2008 @ 06:08:12 AM AEST
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a Message)
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i love dark poetry. the imagery you used was great and i loved the ending! keep writing,
Imperia |
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Re: Reflection
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Saturday, 19th April 2008 @ 06:35:07 AM AEST
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I am not a lover of dark poetry, but I am glad I read this to the end... the last line clinched it for me... Nicely done...
Jenni |
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Re: Reflection
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Saturday, 19th April 2008 @ 11:35:46 AM AEST
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without a doubt there is a good poem here
but it needs to be reworked a bit. there are numerous forced rhymes and filler words and this particular poem needs to be broken up into stanzas to give the reader a break and allow them to stop and think about what you are saying in such a heavy poem. the rhymes are waaaaay to forced. read the poem aloud and see if you can rhyme while still having the poem flow naturally and if you cannot then forget about rhyming because you are holding yourself back. If you trimmed the proverbial fat, ditched the forced rhymes, and broke it up into stanzas this is what it would sound like
I have known her all my time
We were together in our prime.
But something happened
we got separated
One soul became two,
but only one made it.
Now the girl I see
is locked in chains,
blood dripping from her veins.
She seems lost, afraid.
Where was the joy she once made?
She used to be the happy one
Now all the happiness is gone.
She screams to me –
"I want to be free!"
Desperately I tell her to follow the light
But only darkness was in her sight.
I don't understand what went wrong?
My best friend is gone.
I made her this way,
sad and hopeless, just like me
And now she will never be free.
She is caught inside in this place, and looking out.
She saw it was useless to scream and shout
Locked up so long,
She forgot the words to her happy song.
Her mind has turned black
it has all become hopeless and she can never go back.
I want one last look at this fragile soul
Before she disappears completely into this black hole.
But her eyes catch mine
and suddenly I see
That the girl is just another part of me!
This is just a suggestion about a way to rework it, this is actually a very good poem when you eliminate the forced rhymes and filler words. I hope this helps! good luck jantra
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