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Why do I cry...
Contributed by
depressedsoul
on
Friday, 18th April 2008 @ 10:11:03 AM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Why do I cry
These tears in blood
Why should I die
Over these tears in a flood
What does it mean
Why do you treat me like others
Like I'm the fiend
I'm not like a feather
I'm not that easy to drop
You might think I am
But why is it for the pain you make me shop
You were part of my fam.
Now I've changed
And my life is now rearranged
Copyright ©
depressedsoul
... [
2008-04-18 10:11:03]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Why do I cry...
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadwriter on
Friday, 18th April 2008 @ 11:10:23 AM AEST
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Very emotional piece.
Deadwriter
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Re: Why do I cry...
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Friday, 18th April 2008 @ 06:23:58 PM AEST
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ok at the risk of sounding harsh i am guessing you are pretty young because this smacks of teenage poetry. the number one piece of advice i would give you is FORGET ABOUT RHYMING unless you can do it without sounding forced or sacrificing logic or meaning. I will give you a couple of examples. the second stanza you are struggling so hard to rhyme that it ends up making no sense.
"What does it mean
Why do you treat me like others
Like I'm the fiend
I'm not like a feather
first of all others and feather arent even that good of a rhyme and second of all the "im not like a feather" line makes absolutely no sense.
another example is in the last line of the first stanza "Why should I die
Over these tears in a flood" what does this mean???? you are trying to make it rhyme so it ends up sounding like someone that speaks english as a second language. you should read the poem aloud to make sure that it has a natual and unforced flow. if you cant make it rhyme naturally then dont do it. the thing is i think you actually have a really good poem here potentially if it is just reworked a bit. now this is JUST a suggestion but the rhymes might read more naturally with something like
why do i cry these tears of blood?
why should i drown in this crimson flood?
you see what i mean? its the same lines but reworked in a way that flows more naturally. i would like to read more from you. i hope you take these comments in the way they are intended, just trying to help. good luck!
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