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Roses For Me?
Contributed by
hostile_waffle
on
Wednesday, 16th April 2008 @ 09:44:26 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
This is a story of a young girl;
No one recognized her;
Every day people would just give her a whirl;
And every time it was her fault if something were to occur.
One day at her doorstep,
A doorbell rang.
She ran to it, and never learned to accept
The roses that stained,
Her heart forever as she said, ‘Roses for me?’
Copyright ©
hostile_waffle
... [
2008-04-16 09:44:26]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Roses For Me?
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadwriter on
Wednesday, 16th April 2008 @ 11:09:35 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Interesting write. Very good job.
Deadwriter
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Re: Roses For Me?
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Thursday, 17th April 2008 @ 02:48:43 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| ok first of all forget rhyming until you can rhyme without making it sound forced. you are struggling so hard to rhyme that what you are trying to say is getting lost in the shuffle. "every day would just give her a whirl?" what does this mean??? "never learned to accept the roses that stained her heart forever?" how does it stain her heart? that is never explained. I felt this could have used another stanza because it felt incomplete. "everytime it was her fault if something were to occur?" this line is vague and incomplete and to be honest i didnt quite get it....I feel this needs to be reworked in order to get out what you are really trying to say. I hope this helps, i mean these comments kindly although it may not seem like it :) |
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