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I Remember You
Contributed by
juliestevens18
on
Tuesday, 15th April 2008 @ 08:55:10 AM in AEST
Topic:
dedicatedpoems
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I can’t help but think about what happened when I left the scene
Did you jump thirteen miles back into you old fiends?
You probably took a left turn and ended up in yellow gold
I thought about it pretty hard, but I think I am sold
I think that you changed up your position just because I left
And everything that I have ever kept with me that has to do with you feels like death
See, baby, things multiply, even when you aren’t satisfied
And maybe all I want is to have you right by my side
But that would be suicide, oh suicide
That would be suicide, oh, suicide
And I’m not saying I am perfect lady, it just gets complicated baby
When every time I go to sleep I hear you screaming baby baby
Yea I guess it’s sexual, but then again, that’s what we had
I don’t feel stupid, I am just surprised it happened in rehab
Anything you want from me, I will give it to your straight
Because every part of me is thinking that I got over this late
And I showed you off like super scar, you were like a super star
Walked out of the those double doors, felt you coming like a car
But listen honey its okay, I know you did it once before
Probably a dozen times, I don’t think I can count much more
And if you want to listen to me, I know what you will try to do
Cut your lies up into stories, anything to prove its you
Copyright ©
juliestevens18
... [
2008-04-15 08:55:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I Remember You
(User Rating: 1 )
by hostile_waffle on
Tuesday, 15th April 2008 @ 10:27:31 AM AEST
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a Message)
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That's wonderful.
I liked how you worded it ;) |
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Re: I Remember You
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadwriter on
Tuesday, 15th April 2008 @ 11:13:37 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Great write.
Deadwriter
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Re: I Remember You
(User Rating: 1 )
by purplestary on
Wednesday, 16th April 2008 @ 05:07:41 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| this is a fantastic write. it seems like it should be put to some music..deffinantly song lyric worthy. |
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Re: I Remember You
(User Rating: 1 )
by deathdrop on
Friday, 18th April 2008 @ 07:52:54 AM AEST
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I don't fully understand the meaning of this poem but there are things that i feel a can relate to, like
'And I showed you off like super scar, you were like a super star
Walked out of the those double doors, felt you coming like a car' - it just triggers some memories from my past regarding ex boyfriends.
hang in there.
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Re: I Remember You
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Saturday, 19th April 2008 @ 04:29:23 PM AEST
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hi julie
well this is the second piece of yours that ive commented on. i think you do have a lot of talent thats why im spending time with your poems. and while i did like this one much better then your last one i feel that it suffers from much of the same weaknesses. the rhymes are much better here not nearly as forced although there are a few examples of this, in particular the line
"Did you jump thirteen miles back into you old fiends?" sorry to say but this makes no sense. this is just a suggestion but it might be reworked like this
I can’t help but wonder you fiend,
what happened when I left?
Did you jump right back into your old scene?
I also had trouble following you in third and fourth lines of that same stanza
"You probably took a left turn and ended up in yellow gold
I thought about it pretty hard, but I think I am sold"
to be honest im not even sure what you are talking about here so i cant even give you an suggestions on how it might be reworked.
mostly in this particular poem though there seemed to be a lot of unnecessary filler words. i felt it would benefit greatly from having some of that fat so to speak trimmed off of it so the lines are much shorter, this will make it much more readable. it also should be broken up into stanzas to give the reader more of a pause. good luck i hope this helps.....jantra
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