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Fickle Clarity
Contributed by
wretched_reflections
on
Sunday, 13th April 2008 @ 05:30:17 PM in AEST
Topic:
psychoticpoems
|
Clouds shredded in nightmare directions
Disaster born in star-crossed chance
No horizon -- No end
Shadeless skies -- Dead wind
Black hole
Deadened hole has me in a trance
Crumbling souls
****ing circumstance
Shameless eyes
You swathe in vacant sighs
Another hazard to the detached pariah
Swallow the pills
Go to sleep
Never wake up
Relief
Release
Worlds I've dreamed of sinking
Black hole
Deadened hole has me in a trance
Crumbling souls
****ing circumstance
Tragic falling in this delusion
The sleep seethes
In beds soaked of gasoline
I'll recoil your nightmares and play them in harmony
Eye sockets wide open
Your hole torn wide open
Wrists locked-in
Can't feel your legs
And the gasoline stings
Where your **** used to be
Sing defunct clarity
My ears have deceased
Regret not thinking this through
As this love affair slowly cremates you
Ashes bury us beneath the sky.
Rain trickles through and stains
A circle rusted, Ends aren't trusted
. . .
Copyright ©
wretched_reflections
... [
2008-04-13 17:30:17]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Fickle Clarity
(User Rating: 1 )
by a7x36 on
Sunday, 13th April 2008 @ 06:57:22 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| quite morbid. good descriptions |
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Re: Fickle Clarity
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Sunday, 13th April 2008 @ 07:20:03 PM AEST
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a Message)
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ok i actually spent a bit of time with this one i read it a few times and thought about it so i will through my two cents in. I think you have a good poem in there, my problem is that for me the poem really doesnt start or at least it really doesnt go anywhere until the "eye sockets open wide". the rest seems like a lot of filler. i like the "black hole" stanza which conveyed to me the sense of numbness and detatchment the person was feeling but unfortuanately the other stanzas dont serve the rest of the poem or make a lot of sense. For example in my opinion the first stanza is completely unnecessary. and the stanza "Shameless eyes
You swathe in vacant sighs
Another hazard to the detached pariah" makes no sense and it makes the reader feel like you are trying to hard to make it sound "poetic" overall i think there is a good poem here but i would consider reworking it a bit.
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