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Scream
Contributed by
juliestevens18
on
Saturday, 12th April 2008 @ 10:37:54 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Passing through the old days, waiting for something to change
Wishing I could hold you like I did on those rainy days
And thinking that maybe I deserve the cuts thrown at my wrist
It was baseball baby, you were the hitter, I pitched and you missed
But what about the darkness? It swallowed you whole
But now I am question the parts of my very soul
Because now I have to wonder, what is the meaning of these dreams?
The ones where I wake up in a cold sweat and I begin to scream
I see you dancing in the rain, but you like to feel the cold
You didn’t know who you were, until my story was told
And the blotch of red on your cheek, that’s not the game, is it?
These messages and signs are something that I have to revisit
I wake up in the morning and I hear you whisper your scream
Anything to find out more about the likes of me
And I walk past the house, hoping to hear the bell
Instead I hear your name, and your name I start to yell
You are within me, you breathe me, you walk into my space
You enter my sinus area, you shove me food for a taste
The body that you once slept in is out to dry
And instead I have taken your shape and form, wondering if I should die
You listen to the song and you wonder, is it me?
Am I the crazy one, or is it she?
Poems last a lifetime until they are old and grey
But writing about you helps me in every single way
Copyright ©
juliestevens18
... [
2008-04-12 22:37:54]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Scream
(User Rating: 1 )
by deathdrop on
Friday, 18th April 2008 @ 07:56:56 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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If writing helps you then don't stop writing. It helps release so much emotion.
this is powerful |
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Re: Scream
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Monday, 21st April 2008 @ 12:00:50 PM AEST
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a Message)
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hey julie
this again is quite good but is suffering from the same weaknesses. a few lines are too vaguely written to make sense to anyone. but the number one weakness i see in all your writing is you are too wordy. you are a beautiful writer julie, no one is saying that you arent so dont doubt that but you need to try to practice saying things with half the words. in other words done talk about a feeling or situation show it, you dont have to spoonfeed the reader everything. once again i will try to give you an example of what it might look like should you choose to trim this down.
I pass through the days
waiting for things to change
back to the old ways.
Wishing for the rainy days when I held you.
Maybe I deserve the cuts thrown at my wrist
I was the hitter, you pitched and I missed.
It was the darkness that swallowed you whole
Leaving me to question every part of my soul.
I'm forced to wonder the meaning of my dreams.
The ones where I wake up in a cold sweat with a scream.
In dreams, I see you dancing in the rain,
enjoying the cold.
You'll never recognize yourself until this story is told.
The red welt on your cheek wasn't part the game.
I didn't see the signs, now you'll never be the same.
I walk to your doorstep,
I ring the bell
My heart speaks your name, and I start to yell.
You are within me,
You have taken my place.
You enter my consciousness, you've altered my face.
Your old body is hung out to dry
You have overtaken me so that I wanted to die.
Poems last a lifetime,
they'll never grow old one day,
so writing of you helps me in every single way.
i hope this helps julie! |
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