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Out in the open
Contributed by
juliestevens18
on
Monday, 7th April 2008 @ 06:04:23 AM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
|
Out in the open, everything is shaking
Everything is up in the air, everything for the taking
And I sit alone, because I can’t beckon the blood
It swims around me, until it leaks out in the past
I switch positions and try to make this pain last
And if we met, you know, face-to-face, with our eyes pressed together
And if we looked at our scars, and we both screamed forever
And if we challenged each other with the, “how many times?”
I would say fifty, no at least sixty rhymes
I found you in a closet stuffed with the things that I hate
And right now I just want to see if our times correlate
Typing gets old, and I am about to leak tears
I have felt this pain for one whole year
Your ***** inside of me, you breathe in my lungs
You beat in my heart, I taste you on my tongue
I smell you by the phone, the desk, the stool
I hear you in my sleep, I feel you in the pool
I know you are with me and it scares me when I can see
That parts of you are living within me
You pressed the blade to your skin, and I screamed “please”
You made me so weak, I fell to my knees
And in the present situation you are telling me to harm
A hidden secret, and place it on my arm
I breathe deeply because I know I have to see the sun
The two sides are debating, I don’t know who has won
But feel me when I say, I taste you in my sweat
I check my vital signs, because you are in my death
Your face remains so aglow in my memory, I see forms of you in the walking dead
I see pictures of you in my brain, of dialogue unsaid
And sometimes at night I scream to you into the sky
Hoping you will hear me and give me a reply
Copyright ©
juliestevens18
... [
2008-04-07 06:04:23]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Out in the open
(User Rating: 1 )
by Puppy_dog_eyes on
Monday, 7th April 2008 @ 08:48:27 AM AEST
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Well the confusion, frustration and agony of addiction certainly pour out of this.
I've never been an addict to anything, but from your words I can now sense how it feels.
Steve |
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Re: Out in the open
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ruby2sdy on
Monday, 7th April 2008 @ 09:45:35 AM AEST
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| Sometimes it does a bit of good to get things 'out in the open' so to speak; very well written, thank you for sharing, Tuesday x |
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Re: Out in the open
(User Rating: 1 )
by artjunkiekyle on
Monday, 7th April 2008 @ 12:57:09 PM AEST
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"I see pictures of you in my brain, of dialogue unsaid.
And sometimes at night I scream to you into the sky.
Hoping you will hear me and give me a reply"
Amazing how I don't know you, yet it seems as if you have written this for me. I know it sounds self-centered, but this poem feels as if it were written to help me in my present situation.
By far, the best write i have read in a long while.
Thankyou for posting
~kyle |
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Re: Out in the open
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stonedraider23 on
Tuesday, 8th April 2008 @ 10:51:58 AM AEST
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| now what u said on my poem thing works better for this.... Keep it out in the open... very good keep it up |
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Re: Out in the open
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Monday, 21st April 2008 @ 09:08:20 AM AEST
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hi julie
pretty good pretty good. this is probabky one of my favorites that ive read of yours. but....you probably by now you know what im gonna say though dont you? much too wordy wordy wordy you have a beautiful fluid way with words but believe it or not it is possible to say the same things with half as many words. and it desperately needs to be broken up into stanzas. try to read it aloud and make the stanza breaks where natural pauses occur. the idea is to make the reader almost be able to hear your voice reading it. it is far to difficult to slog through it when its all clumped together like this its like one horrid run on sentence. I will try to give you an example again of how it might be trimmed up.
Out in the open,
I sit alone.
I can’t beckon the blood
until it leaks out in the past.
I find the best position to make this pain last.
If we met,
face-to-face,
eyes pressed together,
we'd compare scars and scream forever.
If we challenged each other asking,
“how many times?” and "what were the dates?"
you'd say all the same times and tell me you could relate.
I am getting so old,
I am about to leak tears
I have felt this pain for an entire year
Your ***** inside of me,
your breathe in my lungs
You beat in my heart, your taste on my tongue
I know you're with me,
it scares me to see
That parts of you that live in me.
You pressed the blade to your skin,
and I screamed “don't please!”
Frightened and weak, I fell to my knees.
And in our situation you always lead me to harm,
it was our hidden secret,
that I placed in my arm.
I breathe deeply
trying to see the sun,
The debate is over, but I don’t know who's won.
But believe me when I say I taste you in my sweat
I check my vital signs,
I fear you'll be my death.
For now your face just remains in my memory,
I see you in the walking dead
I see conversations of you in my brain, of dialogue never said.
Sometimes at night
I scream to you into the sky
Hoping you will hear me and give me a reply
now i am certainly not trying to rewrite your poetry julie this is simply an idea of what it might sound like if you trimmed it up a little. it is the same poem with about half the words and i think it works much better. the reader will not stay with you if they feel you are just rambling on. the stanza breaks give your readers a chance to concentrate on the power of your words. good luck! jantra
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