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A day at school is like a day at prison
Contributed by
Voice of the Silent
on
Saturday, 22nd March 2008 @ 08:44:02 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
This is a poem for a talent show this is what I'm entering on the topic that was set tell me if you like it and if i need to make any improvements and if so how would you recommend I do that.
I have to hurry and get to class.
Only to be trapped in a cell.
Be trapped at my desk behind transparent glass.
Only to see a few minutes of freedom by the bell.
I get out of my cell.
At the sound of the bell.
Only to be moved to a different block.
And have a different guard on watch.
I don’t get out of this prison till three.
So I sit and stare at the clock.
And watch it go tick tock.
The seconds till freedom seem like hours
I come here to learn and do my best.
But I learn nothing new I’ll fall behind like the rest.
Most don’t even want to learn.
They’re just a waste of time.
Why teach if no one wants to progress their mind.
The only reason we’re here is because we are not yet free.
This is our prison everyday until three.
Copyright ©
Voice of the Silent
... [
2008-03-22 08:44:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: A day at school is like a day at prison
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 22nd March 2008 @ 05:29:04 PM AEST
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Most don’t even want to learn.
They’re just a waste of time.
Why teach if no one wants to progress their mind.
The only reason we’re here is because we are not yet free.
This is our prison everyday until three.
I love this poem however...I feel that last line (just a suggestion to help continue the rhythm...:)) "This is our prison everyday until three" Could be "This is our prison everyday until the clock strikes three" :) Just a suggestion. Excellent write. I felt to many times like this in high school. |
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Re: A day at school is like a day at prison
(User Rating: 1 )
by ammar on
Sunday, 23rd March 2008 @ 06:28:28 AM AEST
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Well written.
The first three stanzas seem perfect.
However the fourth stanza consists of only two lines and this breaks the flow of the poem to some extent.
Maybe you can rephrase the last two stanzas and add another line so that all five stanzas are of equal length.
Regards,
Ammar |
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