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War, My Brothers
Contributed by
5minutepoet
on
Friday, 22nd February 2008 @ 03:45:56 PM in AEST
Topic:
war
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Rise people rise and fight and rise
One up all up and fight and rise
The rise we rose and faught to fight
So fight and rise and fight and fight
And stand and fall but fall after fight
So stand and kneel slowly then lie
But never no fight lie after no faught
Terror we face fight brother O' fight
And stand that your place brother your place is to fight
So tread dear brother all are brothers now
So fight cry brother beg fight and how
use claw and fist and knuckle use gun
And fight for the fight faught fighting bugun
So stand tall and face and face it with height
Dream of the passion stand tall brother fight
carry labours love pain and fear
But fight as none exists brother none exists here
So stand and face and stand and don't fall
Stand and face and fight with your all
So stand don't kneel don't lay down your might
So stand up strong brother stand up and we fight
So tempt my friend as brotheres in arms
In arms brothers no harm found in arms
So use what have you fight the strong fight
And stand my brothers we all end tonight
So use what you may to fight the strong fight
And stand up my dear brothers we all end tonight
Rest weary strong brothers we all end tonight
Copyright ©
5minutepoet
... [
2008-02-22 15:45:56]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: War, My Brothers
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Friday, 22nd February 2008 @ 06:34:06 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Ok first of all the poem has a strong air to it, it does remind me of a war being fought so to say....
I do think though there is to much repeating .. My opinion is refine that a bit.......
Type o's are distracting ( I am famous for messing that up lol)
Keep on penning!
Michelle
who does not like to be a critic at all as I make alot of mistakes in my writing............ |
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Re: War, My Brothers
(User Rating: 1 )
by brew on
Saturday, 23rd February 2008 @ 01:26:51 PM AEST
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Hey the writing has alot
it has feel
hope and more
so keep posting, regaurdless of anything else
brew ~ aka dayna |
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Re: War, My Brothers
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenith66 on
Saturday, 23rd February 2008 @ 06:44:59 PM AEST
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yeah i agree. its a bit distracting and sometimes very hard to make sense of, but theres potential for a great write here, i think you should redo it and post again, the last 5 or so lines were the best, keep it up!!
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Re: War, My Brothers
(User Rating: 1 )
by 5MinutePoet on
Sunday, 24th February 2008 @ 12:16:38 AM AEST
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Thank you all for your comments. This, tragically for my last 6 months of sporadic contributing, is now the highest commented work i have.
So i feel it fitting to blab on about it a little.
Mixed reviews, which at least shows that you are thinking about and being honest which is what i was after.
This was something to take me out of my comfort zone and to try a little something new. I've previously tried this and heard nothing so i'm happy you've decided to shout up.
It was a work that was meant to signify the confusion and panic in war heightened only by the propaganda and fear distilled into the troops. Something that says yes, we are nervous, we do want to live but when we make it through this experience we will come out united. Something about facing your fears with strangers and over coming then with family.
The chaotic flow and scheme was deliberately in place to confuse and repeat to stress the lack of bounderies, of rules and security. Something to make you have to think while you read just to keep track.
This was another late night write, something to pass the wee small hours at work and some of the incoherency was probably due to that.
And i agree about tha last 5 lines, taking a departure form the rest of the work.
But, like all of my work, i only ever do 1 draft so the chances of this being polisehed right now aren't good.
New things await, so i'll keep writing....
... If you keep commenting
Thanks for your contributions so far. |
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