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Black Rain
Contributed by
SilverRain
on
Wednesday, 6th February 2008 @ 03:38:27 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
Black rain rolling down my cheeks
Just no stopping it
Just flows…
Actually don’t even care anymore
Let the world see the facade that is me
The true face behind the mask of steel
Let them stare with mouths wide open
Be rocked in the world where they stand
Let them glare at my raw emotions,
Broken dreams
Broken life
Broken heart…
As the wind dry the black lines on my face
I expose all I am to you now
Broken
Shattered
but being healed again...
Black rain for the last time tonight.
Copyright ©
SilverRain
... [
2008-02-06 15:38:27]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Black Rain
(User Rating: 1 )
by scroggins on
Thursday, 7th February 2008 @ 01:36:00 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| yellow sun a comin. good description of pain. Glad its over for you. |
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Re: Black Rain
(User Rating: 1 )
by PhantomVampyress on
Thursday, 7th February 2008 @ 01:55:31 PM AEST
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a Message)
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a very well written powerful raw emotional piece.. i really enjoyed this read.. awesome job
rock on,
vampyress Jenni |
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Re: Black Rain
(User Rating: 1 )
by texasw97 on
Friday, 8th February 2008 @ 12:24:52 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| I feel your pain. But for me it's taking way too long for me to heal. My heart was broken 6 years ago and I haven't move one inch yet. Take care |
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Re: Black Rain
(User Rating: 1 )
by alibof10 on
Sunday, 23rd March 2008 @ 06:09:56 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| awesome man .. i relate 2 ur writing a lot .. |
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Re: Black Rain
(User Rating: 1 )
by ZiggyB on
Monday, 7th April 2008 @ 04:16:27 AM AEST
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a Message)
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First, thanks for the comment on my poem, there is anger in it, but as you said, we are beyond that.
This is also my first time reading your work. It is A W E S O M E! You are very indepth. Keep them coming. As time allows, I will read your other writes.
Thanks,
~Stephan~ |
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Re: Black Rain
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Thursday, 17th April 2008 @ 08:10:49 PM AEST
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this was quite good, ive read a couple of your pieces now and you have a great unique style and way of expressing. I do have a couple criticisms with this piece. The first line is wonderful, its intriguing and draws the reader in but i thought the next couple lines read a little awkwardly "just no stopping it just flows" it might have been better had you used these same lines but fleshed them out a little by echoing your last line. for example it could read something like "
black rain rolling down my cheeks
but tonight i dont stop it,
and i let it flow one last time.
This would perhaps better serve your overall theme of exposing your pain in order to heal.
the other line i had an issue with is "let the world see the facade that is me" in this context that line doesnt really make sense because in the poem you dont care, you are exposing your true self in order to heak your pain. so this line about letting the world see the facade directly contradicts the next line about "the true face behind the mask of steel" so the line should be more like
"let the world see beyond the facade,
the true face behind the mask of steel" anyway i actually really loved this poem beyond the nitpicky stuff and look forward to reading more. those are just suggestions, I hope they are helpful :) jantra |
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