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I thought..
Contributed by
EmoSoul
on
Monday, 21st January 2008 @ 10:52:13 AM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
|
I thought i new you.I thought we were
sisters..(= i thought when you will
move i will be heart broken..but
really now i am not..I discovered the
real you...and glad everyone has
too...but somewhere in my head..i
think to myself..why me?..why this
drama..why did you have to intereact
with me at school? & turn out to be my
bff..Pshhh but thats a lie..you turned
into a lie..and mad me want to throw
up..but now i discovered i have Better
besty friends other then you..and i
think to myself again " will i ever
forgive her?" (=
Copyright ©
EmoSoul
... [
2008-01-21 10:52:13]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I thought..
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Monday, 21st January 2008 @ 03:51:30 PM AEST
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a Message)
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this didnt seem poetic at all. the most poetic thing would be the last line, and that doesnt really scratch the surface. steam of consciousness writing can be so brilliant if used effectively, but this fell flat. (i suggest you read faulkner's as i lay dying to understand what stream of consciousness is).
this was you just writing what you thought. i couldnt feel any emotions from this at all, and it is probably because of the misspellings, grammar issues, vagueness, and the fact that your words are just meandering to the next line and not saying anything emotional or powerful. the way you wrote this, it doesnt even make me believe that the person you wrote about existed.
the last line, the line you had the most potential to use-you wasted. you could have done so much longing or so much anger, but you just did words. its a shame to come across a description and a member name that basically leads me to believe this will be an intense, angry poem-only to be extremely disappointed with a numbness that is conveyed. numbness is easy, angry is difficult. the worst thing a writer can do is not convey his/her emotions when they try and write an emotional poem. |
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Re: I thought..
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vampirequeen on
Tuesday, 22nd January 2008 @ 06:52:38 AM AEST
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| hmmm to me this seem more or less a badly written letter .sorry |
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