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without
Contributed by
fadingaway
on
Wednesday, 9th January 2008 @ 10:25:42 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
A blackened heart,
Has now grown cold,
Filled with hate,
And lies of old,
Promises to keep you shy,
To take away life,
And all tears to cry,
Crushed in a wake,
Between dreams, and reality,
Broken in two,
A loss of sensuality,
Primises to never lie,
To keep love true,
And never let die,
This blackened heart,
Has now grown old,
Consumed by hate,
I'm freezing cold,
Cursed to live a life without.
Copyright ©
fadingaway
... [
2008-01-09 22:25:42]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: without
(User Rating: 1 )
by ki on
Thursday, 10th January 2008 @ 12:13:35 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| this is a very good write |
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Re: without
(User Rating: 1 )
by JohnYamrus on
Thursday, 10th January 2008 @ 03:05:49 AM AEST
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a Message)
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when looking JUST at the language of your poem it works pretty well, but your over-use and improper use of commas is way too distracting. a comma is used to separate clauses, not necessarily to create a ceasura as you're attempting to do. a perfect example is in your final stanza:
This blackened heart,
Has now grown old,
this is a complete sentence in and of itself and there's no need for the first comma and the second should be replaced by a period. i don't know your level of education or the hopes you may have (or may not have) for your poetry, but when i comment on a poem i'm assuming you would ideally hope to have any post published in a magazine and if that's the case, this needs editing for punctuation
again...the words are fine. it reads well, but when it's viewed on the poage it's a mess.
best...
john |
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