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She
Contributed by
ki
on
Tuesday, 8th January 2008 @ 12:26:10 AM in AEST
Topic:
selfstruggles
|
I am trapped inside of someone
Who's lost inside of dreams
Fighting for affection
And just tossed beside of things
Who is the pretty girl
With the mouth that doesn't smile?
Always, she prays for better days
But sees a hundred trials
Can she live without knowing
A new beginning without sorrow?
Or is this the only life she'll ever see
With no hope for tommorrow
All that she has ever known
Is far beyond her years
"Maybe soon,but not right now"
The only words she hears
I'm trapped inside of someone
who's lost inside herself
Fighting for attention
And just thrown upon a shelf
Who is the lonely girl
With the pretty face that frowns?
Almost lost faith, in everything
She keeps on falling down
Copyright ©
ki
... [
2008-01-08 00:26:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: She
(User Rating: 1 )
by JohnYamrus on
Tuesday, 8th January 2008 @ 12:51:21 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
this is pretty darn good! for the most part, the rhyme sounds real and natural...not at all forced. that's a really difficult thing to achieve. if i could make a suggestion, it would give the poem a bit more breadth if you broke it up into stanzas. that would give the reader the opportunity to pause and think about what you're saying rather than following their natural instincts and plowing right thru from beginning to end. the stanza breaks wouldd force them to pause.
technically, the only "mistake" in the poem i see is you have an unnecessary comma in your next to last line. actually, the comma should be placed after "everything".
very nicely done!
john |
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Re: She
(User Rating: 1 )
by conorshawn on
Tuesday, 8th January 2008 @ 02:58:56 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| wow you captured what i try to write brillant. |
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