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dawn light smiles heaven weeps

Contributed by forgotten_poet on Thursday, 27th December 2007 @ 04:46:10 PM in AEST
Topic: oops

heaven is weeping
tears dipped in moonlight
falling away
descending into night
dawn light smiles
upon your dreams
the rising sun
shall bring new things
night is fleeting
leaving the sky
greet the day
with sleepy eyes
morning is
what sweet dreams despise
which flutter away
at dawns surprise

Copyright © forgotten_poet ... [ 2007-12-27 16:46:10]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: dawn light smiles heaven weeps (User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on Saturday, 29th December 2007 @ 05:13:27 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

i think they've forgotten you ^_^

i like this well enough, athough i think you ought to make the rhymes more subtle--when a rhyme stands out, it tends to burden the piece as a whole.

Perhaps try making them flow into the non rhymes more gracefully...

for instance,

upon your dreams
the rising sun
shall bring new things

^ that is flowing well

morning is
what sweet dreams despise
which flutter away
at dawns surprise

^ this is not so much

always, abraham

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