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Forget the Presents Pass Me the Bottle
Contributed by
yackerz85
on
Monday, 24th December 2007 @ 02:10:30 AM in AEST
Topic:
Holiday Poetry
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Merry Christmas!
And I’m alone.
Softly crying
In my cold bed
Merry Christmas!
I scream silently
As waves of pain
Envelope my heart
The only gift I want
The only one I can’t have
Money could never buy it
And I’m broken without it
Someone else has you
I bet he is truly happy
I darkly envy him
But try to hide it.
I can’t think about
Tomorrow without you
When I’m already
At my lowest today.
Merry Christmas!
I shout aloud
Forget the presents
Pass me the bottle
Copyright ©
yackerz85
... [
2007-12-24 02:10:30]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Forget the Presents Pass Me the Bottle
(User Rating: 1 )
by Honey56 on
Monday, 24th December 2007 @ 07:33:59 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Great write,the hurt will fade in time...
Forget the bottle! give yourself a reality check..You're be ok.. |
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Re: Forget the Presents Pass Me the Bottle
(User Rating: 1 )
by JohnYamrus on
Monday, 24th December 2007 @ 07:47:30 AM AEST
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a Message)
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this is pretty darn good. if i can suggest a few changes to make it even tighter...
a "dose of reality" poem like this needs to remain grounded....in the first stanza you start out weakly by using the overused descriptives "softly" crying and "cold" bed. they're un-necessary and only weaken the poem. i also think it redundant to say you shout "aloud".
excellent. this isn't moon/june poetry. this is real.
good stuff.
take care.
john |
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Re: Forget the Presents Pass Me the Bottle
(User Rating: 1 )
by conorshawn on
Monday, 24th December 2007 @ 08:14:04 AM AEST
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a Message)
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i have been there in that same bed i still to this day think the same way.
i surround myself with friends this time of year. |
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Re: Forget the Presents Pass Me the Bottle
(User Rating: 1 )
by ki on
Tuesday, 25th December 2007 @ 12:56:19 AM AEST
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a Message)
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i love this!!absolutely love it!dont feel bad ,im always alone this holidays!!
ki |
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