|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
A Love Long Lasted
Contributed by
thisismesodeal
on
Friday, 5th October 2007 @ 02:14:15 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Remember the summers we use to spend barefoot and brave?
Deep in the woods with the sun rays dancing across our intertwined hands.
Remember the cool nights, and the white hot stars?
Lying on the grass as the moon beams lit up your face.
Remember the rainy springs spent under your umbrella?
Holding hands through the city streets dancing through puddles.
Remember the mockingbird’s lullaby?
He’d sing us to sleep every night with whispers of turtle doves and car alarms.
Remember the winters we use to spend walking in each others footsteps?
Catching the tiny stars on our tongues.
Remember the warm nights in front of the fireplace?
Defrosting with hot coco and that old patchwork quilt.
Remember those cool autumn days?
Raking up the golds, and reds of the maple trees and jumping in them.
Remember the hay rides and bonfires?
Chilly nights spent with your arms woven around me protecting and shielding me..
You will live forever in the Memory.
I will live for ever in that moment.
We will live forever in that dream.
How I died the day you walked away from me.
Copyright ©
thisismesodeal
... [
2007-10-05 14:14:15]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: A Love Long Lasted
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Sunday, 7th October 2007 @ 05:40:00 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
I'm always a bit hesitant to offer specific feedback (not everyone wants it, see)... but your author's note at the top of this piece does seem to imply that you're open to receiving some. So...
I might suggest that you reorder the stanzas here... to spring, summer, fall then winter. Beyond the fact that it's seems logical and consistent with the way of the world, it would also serve, I think, as a good metaphor here (the warmth of a new relationship growing through time and then cooling off and eventually reaching the cold hard fact of loss). Do with the idea what you will... just thought I'd offer it.
In response to your pondering of your last line... I don't think it's necessary at all. The whole of the piece has a wonderful, soft nostalgic feeling and your last line seems, in comparison, unnecessarily dramatic. I personally think it would be better left off. I inclined to think a 'specifically conclusive' ending is not needed... sometimes, a relationship ends and there isn't any neat conclusion that can be found. Perhaps adding "it seems" to the second to the last line and ending there would work. "We will live forever in that dreams, it seems" is wistful, has a feel of regret and sadness and would continue the overall nostalgic feel of the piece through to the end.
Hope you don't mind the comments/feedback. Feel free to ignore if you should see fit to do so. I do hope it doesn't seem that I didn't like the piece. I did. : )
~Snemmy |
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Community
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
