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Smoke and Ashes
Contributed by
Xmorbid6childrnx
on
Saturday, 4th August 2007 @ 02:16:06 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Can you feel those sharp pains
The growing
Sensation.
Truth just eats away at you
Can you taste it?
It tastes you.
Ever smile at a stranger
Wondering if they’d smile back
Doubt it.
You don’t think anymore
Your just a
Shadow.
An empty carcass of you.
The words you speak reach your lips
But by then your all confused.
One big mess.
No one can really save you
You can only save yourself
But what if you enjoy hell
Its only a little bit warmer the heaven.
So what if the sun doesn’t
Shine down there,
At least you wont feel so cold anymore
Maybe you will breath again
Only this time
Smoke
And ashes.
Copyright ©
Xmorbid6childrnx
... [
2007-08-04 14:16:06]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Smoke and Ashes
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Saturday, 4th August 2007 @ 02:40:04 PM AEST
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::smiles::. as soon as i read the line "It tastes you", i was like finally, someone that knows how to make jabbing remarks in poetry that are powerful and almost funny. its even unexpected since hardly anyone answers their own rhetorical questions. even though this is dark poetry, i couldnt help but laugh at some of your remarks that hell is a little warmer than heaven and so what if the sun doesnt shine down there? for some reason florida came to mind when i thought of Hell in your poem.
the best part of your poem was the ending poem because it was powerful and packed a punch. its been bothersome reading so many poems on here that just fizzle out at the end, but maybe those authors can learn a thing or two from you.
some of your line breaks and lack of punctuation was questionable though. some authors just use punctuation for the poetic breathes and stops for rhythm, to end thoughts, etc. others just use it for grammar, and others combine the two. with this poem, however, you seemed to use it for grammar in some places and then sometimes maybe for the poetic bit. i think more punctuation can further enhance your biting remarks and power though. |
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Re: Smoke and Ashes
(User Rating: 1 )
by sicknivesevered on
Saturday, 4th August 2007 @ 09:04:24 PM AEST
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"The words you speak reach your lips
But by then your all confused.
One big mess."
You just made my brain twitch. Good write. |
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Re: Smoke and Ashes
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ceres on
Sunday, 5th August 2007 @ 03:58:31 PM AEST
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very pretty... makes you think... only in a good way =)
much love ~ ceres |
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