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Oceanid
Contributed by
porcelaincellophane
on
Monday, 18th June 2007 @ 06:51:32 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Stones trickle through shower heads,
My testing hands are slapped by sky and time,
what feels like tombstones,
little pebbles or diamonds?
Her grey only ruins my appetite,
and I hurt when I catch her in each oxygen bubble.
She soothes and wounds
and taunts me in her sleep
like a moonflower to the night.
Her twins,
are excruciating
like
Lake Eyre.
And when she falls,
The world folds into itself.
A seed is now nourished,
By a tear or
a fallen angel.
Copyright ©
porcelaincellophane
... [
2007-06-18 18:51:32] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Oceanid
(User Rating: 1 ) by edwynne on
Thursday, 6th September 2007 @ 06:46:30 PM AEST (User
Info | Send
a Message)
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One of the better things I have read on here in a long time. drak and abstract...
If I were you I would change "By a tear or
a fallen angel".. fallen angels has been done to death and I found it somewhat cliche..
"Her twins,
are excruciating
like
Lake Eyre."... I'd get rid of the 'like' here and nake it into a proper line... I like the image.. so there's no need to cut the line short with 'like'
little pebbles or diamonds?-- no need for the question mark here.. there's no question..
to sum up.. this is a great poem.. I dig your style.. we have a similar style in some ways..
hope this helped :}
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