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Oceanid

Contributed by porcelaincellophane on Monday, 18th June 2007 @ 06:51:32 PM in AEST
Topic: oops

Stones trickle through shower heads,
My testing hands are slapped by sky and time,
what feels like tombstones,
little pebbles or diamonds?

Her grey only ruins my appetite,
and I hurt when I catch her in each oxygen bubble.
She soothes and wounds
and taunts me in her sleep
like a moonflower to the night.

Her twins,
are excruciating
like
Lake Eyre.

And when she falls,
The world folds into itself.
A seed is now nourished,
By a tear or
a fallen angel.

Copyright © porcelaincellophane ... [ 2007-06-18 18:51:32]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Oceanid (User Rating: 1 )
by edwynne on Thursday, 6th September 2007 @ 06:46:30 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

One of the better things I have read on here in a long time. drak and abstract...

If I were you I would change "By a tear or
a fallen angel".. fallen angels has been done to death and I found it somewhat cliche..

"Her twins,
are excruciating
like
Lake Eyre."... I'd get rid of the 'like' here and nake it into a proper line... I like the image.. so there's no need to cut the line short with 'like'

little pebbles or diamonds?-- no need for the question mark here.. there's no question..

to sum up.. this is a great poem.. I dig your style.. we have a similar style in some ways..
hope this helped :}

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