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May Our Ashes Fly

Contributed by Surfpup on Saturday, 16th June 2007 @ 05:02:18 AM in AEST
Topic: fantasy

Come on, come on, the wall is falling down,
we don't have much time before the ceiling hits the ground,
the chemistry between iron bolts and steel plates
no longer exist to delay our inevitable fate.

Our time has come, to create a better tomorrow.
In the presence of enemies, we will burn.

Come on, come on, pick up the pace,
we must finish this before we're erased.
We cannot let it end, not like this,
Hurry, and give me one last kiss.

Our life will end with this time we have borrowed,
The pendulum will stop and there will be no more sorrow.

In the presence of enemies, we will burn,
but in the midst of light, they will yearn,
for there is no longer any darkness here.
And they will never return.

The sun shines again, onto the moon that was once hidden.
The demons of humanity, are now forever forbidden.

Our time has come.

May our ashes fly in the wind together
forever.

Copyright Â© Surfpup ... [ 2007-06-16 05:02:18]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: May Our Ashes Fly (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Saturday, 16th June 2007 @ 08:21:30 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I’m not really sure where you’re trying to lead the readers with this, I’m supposing the fact that people can die but what they built during their life can prevail. It’s got a lot of nicely written material its just the organization is a bit off and I feel that you might have been more concerned writing something that sounds pretty (which it does) but it kina runs flat because the meaning isn’t really pronounced. I also felt that the rhyme scheme is too simplistic for my taste, its not bad, it just could have been much better. However, i will say it took great talent to write this because it does have a nice ring to it and some beautiful imagery, it’s only the organization and rhyming that brings it down. Next time consider writing something that doesn’t rhyme because I think you can paint a poem using these beautiful images than the rhyming words (great poetry doesn't always rhyme!). Great work, keep it up!

~D.S. Hammoulton~

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