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When I told myself...
Contributed by
gabby521
on
Monday, 14th May 2007 @ 05:46:04 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
'This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those to those that feel.'
And so begins the tragedy known as my life:
a bitter sweet display of emotions,
feelings that in time will be forgotten
and yet restore themselves for someone new,
never letting go of past hurts
while trying to start over
on the path that only leads to greater heartache....
and when someone said it's worth it,
they didn't know what that entailed,
the lies and deceptions that go along with affection,
they couldn't have known that I have failed,
failed in being all that could never be thrown away,
failed in being his everything,
being more than what I am for him,
to make his day,
more than what he made me to be,
it was never enough, as far as I could see.
When I told myself, it's worth it...
it's worth the tears and sleepless nights
and shameful existence in the presence
of those who deem it wrong...
it's worth the time I'll spend
going over and over in my head
what I will say and the embarassment I feel
when nothing decides to pass through my lips
but a sigh and a longing to once more know his kiss...
when I told myself it's worth
the humiliation I'll endure
from my own pleading thoughts on how I can make things right again,
knowing full well that it's not up to me...
when I told myself it's worth it,
to know in the end that what we had,
or almost had,
or will never have again,
was real,
when I said it I didn't know...
I didn't know that that distant reality,
as real as I can make it seem from words that we said
and feelings we felt,
I still cannot hope for more than what was,
something will always be different...
his words will always hold a bit of doubt,
his smile will always tell of something he won't say,
something he's not telling me,
how now can I trust him?
How now can I trust myself to know when something's wrong?
I know that in my new-found ambiguity
there lies still a larger than life addiction to his words,
be they true or of deceit,
there lies within me a wanting to believe him...
things were so much easier when I thought that he could do no wrong,
when I thought that I meant the world to him
because he said it so,..
Now I feel as though I'm begging my way
back into his heart,
and I'm unaware of the validity of his speech
because I've proven myself naive,
to the point where I simply want to forget what has happened,
to let everything go,
to trust him completely
as though he's never given me reason for doubt.
What am I to do with this vulnerability
that I have taken upon myself to embrace?
How will I ever know what to do for myself
when all I want is to depend on the possible falsehoods of his feelings
just so I can get through another day?
Tragic,
though it seems,
my life is not.
A comedy,
to others it may seem,
to myself it will become.
A product of thought?
No.
If anything,
my life will become less of a tragedy
after I have learned not to think so much,
perhaps to think on different things,
other than how I feel...
To those
laughing now over the things of this life,
those not yet acquainted with this
realm of thought that translates the word "tragedy"
as an understatement in comparison to your existence,
you've not yet known happiness
until you've found a subject worth exhausting
your every thought about.
A person who inhabits your thoughts like nothing has before,
like nothing ever will again.
Not until you've spent countless hours
thinking of the two of you,
even if it's over,
even if there's no chance in going back...
not until you've spent every moment you have alone
contemplating how you could have spent a lifetime...
Copyright ©
gabby521
... [
2007-05-14 05:46:04]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: When I told myself...
(User Rating: 1 )
by Valerie_Pearson on
Monday, 14th May 2007 @ 10:21:09 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| This is not a tragedy, this is part of you, though you gave all to him in trust and much more, it is a lesson, live for you, and become the true you within, find happiness in your own soul, I know quite abit about these feelings as I spent 24 years unconditionally loving someone that never said sorry or asked for forgiveness from me, he knew I forgave for everything, but he also abused me, and now I am living life for me, with truth and unconditional love, but yet not with him as I gave my own self up when I met him, you have lots in this world to do, this is the garden God made us, so enjoy every moment, as treat yourself as a gift of life, thanks for sharing this, Valerie |
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