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To Be Your Love!

Contributed by jackson21 on Tuesday, 8th May 2007 @ 11:58:04 AM in AEST
Topic: goodbyepoetry

Within my eyes your image does stray,

Your face, your smile, offers the way.

Your eyes light up with a caress of pleasure,

It used to be something I wished to last forever.

But you crossed that invisable line in the sand,

Pulled my petals off let them fall to the ground.

Cannot, willnot, to allow would be stupid,

Can't sit here unemotional anymore, can't be lucid.

Everything is deminished, broken, dismembered,

To be your love used to mean forever.

Copyright © jackson21 ... [ 2007-05-08 11:58:04]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: To Be Your Love! (User Rating: 1 )
by TheSpiritx on Tuesday, 8th May 2007 @ 01:21:20 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I can't really bring myself to write any poetry of similar genre, but this works for you. I wish to offer some constructive criticism on your work, though.

Form: I think you could go ahead and visually divide these up into couplets, since you have a couplet rhyme scheme.

Rhyme: To the effect of coupleting your work, the couplet "sand/ground" might better work as "sand/land." I also would suggest altering the last line to deal with "remember(ed)" as the terminal couplet rhyme with "dismembered."

Content/Diction: I like some of the concepts and images. As a whole I can feel the idea behind this poem, but clarifying it is essential. The spelling and grammar errors can be cleaned - that will help out. :) This is a strong poem, though, and after a little revision, will be even stronger.

Thanks for your submission and I hope this helps some.

TS

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